


[NATSUKI ¤ SUBARU]

by Neisseria_Meningitidis



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Anastasia is crushed by guilt, Beatrice tastes despair, Dissociation, Emilia breaks down slowly then all at once, F/M, Finding the book of the dead, Friendship is Magic, Hallucinations, Julius have enough of being powerless, Meili vs the sirens of hell, Mental Anguish, Ram learns the meaning of fear and paranoia, Subaru is alone but he is not alone, Subaru martyrs himself (again), Subaru plays chess with the books and his friends, Subaru's book club, Suffaru's book club, a lot of suffering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27724159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neisseria_Meningitidis/pseuds/Neisseria_Meningitidis
Summary: After challenging the trials of the Pleiades Watchtower, they have a very unlucky encounter with a very peculiar book collection. They all want to know the truth, Subaru just wants to save them from the evil only he can see.
Relationships: Emilia/Natsuki Subaru, Emilia/Natsuki Subaru???
Comments: 294
Kudos: 796





	1. The name his parents gave him.

Anastasia couldn’t help herself, she had to see the Taygeta library with her own eyes. For all the pain and suffering the siege of Priestella brought, she was glad to be able to visit the house of the dead. She knew that reading any of those books was strictly forbidden, but even just seeing them was a golden opportunity. 

Julius did not share her enthusiasm, he followed her in the library out of duty but she knew it brought back bad memories for him. Even though she couldn’t remember the place Julius had in her life, she knew he was a good man. Ans she knew he deserved better than to be dragged around in a place that greatly distressed him, but visiting ‘The Sage’s’ forbidden library was an offer too good to refuse. She would have gladly gone alone, but Julius insisted on coming with her. A knight is a knight, she supposed. 

Anastasia didn’t know if she wanted to see a name she would recognize. On one hand, holding a lifetime of a loved one's memories in her tiny hands would be a unique experience, on the other, she didn’t know if she could resist the temptation. Maybe Julius wasn’t so insistent on accompanying her to protect her from an unknown danger, but rather to protect her from her own curiosity. She knew almost nothing about this man, however, he seemed to know almost everything about her. It was pretty unsettling.

“Tell me, sir Julius. Can I ask ya a question?” Anastasia asked as she kept looking at the books on a nearby bookshelf.   
“Ask me anything you wish, Lady Anastasia. I will answer to the best of my abilities.” Julius winced at the ‘sir’, he knew why she said it but it hurt nonetheless.  
“I’ve been told ya read one of these books, is it true?”   
“Indeed, the danger of reading them was still unknown to us at the time.” he closed his eyes, fearing what she would ask next.   
“How did it feel? Readin’ somebody’s else memories?” Anastasia hoped she didn’t ask too much of him.   
“If I must be honest, it didn’t feel like I was reading at all.” this was the question he was fearing, his lady was pulling no punches. “It was as if I was living his life. I saw what he saw, heard what he heard, and felt what he felt. The only thing that escaped me was his train of thought, maybe because I could still somewhat think for myself.” he couldn’t know exactly what Balroy Temegrif thought, but he knew what he felt and this was terrible enough. “His raw emotions were disclosed to me, however. And I will never forget the rage we felt together… Nor the euphoria.” 

The idea of living his entire life with Temegrif's shadow looming over him terrified Julius. Not because the man scarred him, but out of fear that their emotions would be forever intertwined. Ever since they shared a soul and a body, Julius could feel an alien feeling rise in him every time he drew his sword and fought an enemy. A strange manic glee came to him when he struck true, a cruel ecstasy he never felt before. It truly disturbed him, the idea to be forever tainted by somebody else's essence. Especially if it allowed the birth of the most perverse feelings inside him. 

“Do ya regret readin' it?” the question was more rhetorical than anything else, the sorrow was obvious on his face.   
“Very much so…” Julius gave her a thin smile. “I understand your curiosity, I too, still want to read some of them, even though I am aware of their perils. But please trust me when I say they bring nothing but pain and regrets.”

She believed him, but the sirens of temptation were absurdly powerful. It was as if they were made to trick people into reading them. They told her ‘The Sage’ was at best beyond understanding and at worst a man of boundless cruelty. So him making the book as enticing as possible was not too farfetched. 

Anastasia couldn't tell if she wanted to meet him or not. Truth be told, a meeting with ‘The Sage’ would be the greatest opportunity of her life. If he was willing to share a fraction of his wisdom with her, becoming The King would become a guarantee. He was the owner of this forbidden library, who knew what other kinds of knowledge he possessed. But if he really was as cold-blooded as described, he could take offense to her having the audacity to ask him anything. Having ‘The Sage’ as an enemy sounded dangerous... he managed to stand on equal footing with ‘The Divine Dragon’ and ‘The Great Hero’ after all. 

Putting fantasies aside, she should enjoy the fact that she was walking down the library of the dead. But her greedy nature kept her from being satisfied by just looking. She was truly helpless. 

Scanning the shelves, she found a collection of books even more intriguing than the rest. Each book was named after the person they kept the memory of. A book, a name, a life. But this collection had no name on their edges, only a set of three elaborate symbols. The same on every single one of them. There were almost fifty of them, all neatly lined-up on two shelves.

Anastasia took one of them to examine it. She had no intention to read it and Julius wouldn't allow it anyway. The book was identical to every other book in the library, except for the alien symbols. The cover, the leather, the width, the weight, they were just nameless books. 

“My Lady, I advise you against reading or even touching those books.” Julius took the book out of her hands. It was extremely impolite, but he couldn't risk her reading it by accident.   
“This is ok, I wasn't going to. I just noticed that it had symbols instead of names on the edge, it’s really intriguing.” she pointed at the shelves. “And there are at least forty of them.”  
“Curious, indeed.” Julius traced the symbols with his finger. “I never took note of any books like this one.” he didn’t know why but they were not unfamiliar to him. 

Saying that Anastasia found something troubling was an understatement. Several copies of the same book, all of them displaying a strangely familiar motif. Julius was absolutely certain he saw this particular set of strokes and squares somewhere, he even remembered thinking that one of them looked like a broken cupboard. 

“Do ya think it's also a book of the dead?” Anastasia stood next to Julius without daring to touch the book. “A majority of the population is illiterate, maybe some o’ them use symbols instead of glyphs to write their names?”   
"Mm. In that case, the set of symbols should differ on every book.”   
“Maybe it’s just forty homonyms?” It was a stretch, she knew it.   
“I’ve seen multiple books with the same names before, but they were always scattered all over the library. Having them all next to each other is extremely suspicious.”   
“Ye, I thought so too.” she bit her lips, she would never forgive herself if they never discovered the secret behind those books. “Maybe that’s what happens when you die without a name.”   
“As in unbaptized children?”  
“Yes! If the book has no name to put on the edge, then it will choose to put those symbols instead!” did they just resolve the mystery?   
“I highly doubt it.” Julius shook his head in dissatisfaction.   
“Why!?” and the mystery went on.   
“I’m afraid there are way more than forty unbaptized children in the world. Lugnica alone has a population of fifty million, there are thousands of children thrown away by their parents and left to die alone.” 

Anastasia had no objection, only having around forty nameless people in the history of humanity was extremely unlikely. There were two mysteries: why the strange symbols and why were they all grouped together. The thirst for an answer was unbearable to Anastasia and she was sure Echidna was feeling the same. The worst was that opening the book could solve everything, and the only thing keeping them from doing so was their own apprehensiveness.

“Just lookin' at them will drive me mad!” Anastasia clapped her face to return to her senses. “Maybe we should ask the rest for their opinions.”   
“Yes, no good would come from keeping our finding a secret.” maybe they could tell where Julius saw those symbols. He would feel instantly better if they could.   
“Then, I’m goin' to find them! You stay here to watch over the books!”  
“Please, Lady Anastasia, I do not think that-” letting his lady wander in this terrible place was horrendous to him.   
“Shhhh! No objection! We can’t risk not finding our way back to them!” she put her hand on his torso to keep him from following her. “Ya worry too much, sir Julius. I am not made of sugar.”   
“Yes, you are way more precious to me than sugar, my lady.” Julius knew he had no chance to convince her, but he would try anyway.   
“Don’t try to sweet-talk me. You stay here! I’ll Marco-Polo ya if I lose myself.”  
“Marco-Polo?” he had no clue what she meant by ‘Marco-Polo’.  
“I will shout Marco and you will answer Polo, easy enough don’t ya think? Subaru taught me this little trick.”   
“Then I will not fail to answer your call, my lady.” he slightly bowed to her as she took off.

Julius trusted his lady not to look at any books in his absence, but he couldn’t help but worry nonetheless. This collection of books was bad news, he was sure of it, even his little maidens were extremely wary of them. Every book in this library asked to be open, but those ones were diabolical in their temptation. Unfortunately, he had the same mindset as his mistress: mysteries were made to be solved, and this one was begging him to figure it out. 

He absentmindedly played with his hair as he tried to fight off the urge to take a peak. Keeping his composure in his lady presence was easy, but now that there was no one to witness his weakness, he could feel his resolve waver. The fact that he vaguely remembered seeing those symbols somewhere was driving him mad. Had it been any other symbols, he would have been fine, but it had to be those ones. 

This little broken cupboard was taunting him. 

“This is madness.” he whispered to himself. 

Julius let out a sour laugh, he was losing a battle of will against a book. He tried to remind himself of how much he regretted having read Temegrif’s book, but he only thought about how it didn’t kill him or even harm him. He then focused on the unanimous decision of not reading any of them, but he didn’t make any promises, it was not as if he would break an oath. He wondered what would be worse: regretting not reading it or feeling guilty about reading it? 

“Urg. Get yourself together, Julius. You are supposed to be better than that.” he smacked the book on his forehead, hoping it would bring some senses to his failing brain. It didn’t. 

He started to pace around that section of the library, hoping moving would dissipate the urge to open the book. It didn’t either. 

“Dear God, what is taking them so long?” Julius ground his teeth. “Enough is enough!” 

Julius slammed the book back on the shelf and sat on the floor, putting his hands over his eyes. Away from the eyes, away from the heart, maybe he just needed to get away from it to break its spell on him. Unfortunately for him, in his haste to get rid of the book, he failed to put it back correctly on the shelf. He had been sitting for less than a second when the book fell on his head before bouncing to the floor. 

“This has to be a cruel joke.” Julius wanted to scream but he kept his mouth shut. 

He stayed still for what seemed to be an eternity, not daring to uncover his eyes in fear he would give in to the temptation. For all he knew, the book was open in front of him, and if it was the case… then God helps him. 

No god heard his plea, for he had already counted to one thousand and nobody came to save him from his self-inflicted agony. He had to save himself, then. Still closing his eyes, he started to feel the floor around him with his hand. He quickly found the book laying in front of him. 

It was open. He only needed to open his eyes to see its content and his eyelids never felt so fidgety. He knew opening just one eye would suffice. 

“I am sorry. May none of my friends suffer from my weakness.” 

He took a deep breath before surrendering himself to the temptation

+++++++

Anastasia had greatly underestimated the size of this library, she was sure she could die of thirst here and nobody would find her body for days. She thought about the poor Julius she left alone with the book collection from hell. She hoped he would be able to ignore the sirens of temptation because she knew she couldn’t. If it wasn’t for him, she would have read the whole collection. There was no need to deny it, she knew who she was. She was careful and took calculated risks, but the reward was too much to ignore. 

“'The Sage’s' most mysterious knowledge. I have to admit, I can’t blame you for being intrigued.” Echidna reassured her friend, her curiosity was normal and healthy.   
“I know ya can’t. But Julius won’t let it slide.”   
“Beware, Ana. He was drawn to the books too.”  
“Guess ya can’t be my knight without being a bit like me.” Anastasia laughed softly. She hoped leaving her knight alone wasn’t a mistake. 

It took her more than half an hour to find some of her companions in misfortune. She was quite happy to hear Emilia’s voice not too far away and ran toward her in fear of losing her trail. Emilia and Beatrice were sitting at a table in the middle of the library, chatting about the potency of ‘The Divine Dragon’s’ blood. 

“Hey, hey, hey! May I interrupt you?” Anastasia stood next to the table.  
“If it’s an urgent matter, I suppose. Interrupting Betty when she is talking is rude, you better have a good reason.” Beatrice was too tired by the recent events to fake politeness.   
“Cooome on, Beatrice!” Emilia pouted. “Don’t be mean!” she turned to face Anastasia. “I’m all ears!” she smiled.  
“It’s about the books.”  
“Ah.” Emilia dropped her smile, she hated those books. “Still, I’m listening.”   
“Betty knew you brought bad news. Nothing good can come from these books.”   
“Julius and I found a few shelves full of the same book over and over again.” she spun her hand as she talked. “And they’re all nameless, they have the same set of symbols on them instead.”   
“That’s curious, I never saw anything like that before.” Emilia put her hand under her chin. “And you, Beatrice? Does your 'librarian sense' tingle?”   
“Betty doesn’t have a ‘librarian sense’, in fact. Stop parroting Subaru’s nonsense.”   
“Buuut does it tingle?” Emilia doubled down.   
“It doesn’t ring a bell to Betty, I suppose. She never saw the same book twice. Even homonyms are not stored on the same shelves.” 

Beatrice tried to jog her memory, it was true that she had a special bond with libraries due to her duty as the ex-guardian of the forbidden library. But she didn’t have any ‘librarian sense’ and she didn't have the time to visit every nook of this library. But still, this mysterious collection was a bad omen, she would bet her life on it. 

“I think ya should see them for yourself. Maybe ya will recognize the symbols, Julius seemed to find them familiar.”  
“I don’t think I will be better versed than Julius about runes and ancient symbols. He seems veeeery knowledgeable.”  
“Even Betty is impressed by his grasp on myths and legends. But Betty is sure she is better than him.”   
“If ya think so, then we should get going!” Anastasia slammed her hands on the table to get them to hurry.  
“Don’t pester Betty, I suppose.” Betty sneered at Anastasia.  
“You’re so cute, Beatrice!” Emilia took the small girl in her arms. 

Still trapped in Emilia's embrace, Beatrice saw a small green spirit rush toward them. She recognized her as one of Julius’ contracted spirits. They usually tried to imitate their master’s usual level-headed nature but this spirit seemed in great distress. 

“Oh, isn’t it Aro?” Emilia tried very hard to learn Julius’ spirits' names, they deserved recognition too! “What are you doing so far away from Julius?” 

Aro started to turn around Emilia restlessly, desperate to get her attention. Her sisters and she were scattered all over the library, trying to find someone to help their master. She was panicking, Julius was unwell and none of them knew why!

“She is saying that Julius is in trouble, in fact!” Beatrice could hear Aro's terrified voice begging for help.   
“We have to help him, then!” Emilia stood up. “Aro, can you show us where he is?” 

Without a word, Aro led the way back to her master. Emilia took Beatrice with her, carrying her so she could follow with their pace. Anastasia ran after them, but they quickly distanced her. Her frail body was outmatched in every way by the athletic Emilia. Still, she ran as fast as she could, she could not give up on helping Julius. She shouldn't have left him alone with this dreadful book collection. 

Aro knew the shortest way to reunite with her master and it only took her a few minutes to find him. Emilia was not far behind and could see him lying on the ground in the distance. Her heart started to beat faster and faster, she thought this madness was over, why did misery keep following them? 

“Betty can’t see his face, but he is shaking!” he looked in so much pain, she could hear his raging breath from where she was. 

As soon as they reached him, Emilia put Beatrice on the floor and started to channel her healing magic. She focused on the ambient mana and begged the micro-spirit around her to lend her their power. She touched his forehead, putting his hair back behind his ear to have a good look at his face. When she found him lying on the ground, she thought he was unconscious but his eyes were opened. 

“Betty is trying her best, but she doesn’t know what is wrong with him.” she hovered her small hand over his shaking body. “He is in perfect health!”  
“How can ya say that! Look at him!” Anastasia shouted in desperation, she berated Beatrice but she herself didn’t have the strength to look at him.   
“Betty knows bu-” Beatrice paused “CLOSE YOUR EYES!” she saw one of the books opened next to Julius. Closing her eyes herself, she used her hands to find the book and close it without looking at it. 

Emilia didn’t close her eyes, she was too focused on Julius to even hear Beatrice’s and Anastasia’s conversation. She couldn’t look away from his grey face or the tremor of his gloved hands. She started to cry as she watched Julius’ eyes dart all over the place. They moved as if he was looking at a landscape zooming by his eyes. They went left and right, again and again, only to switch up to up and down after a few seconds. 

She tried to catch his attention, but he just wouldn’t maintain eye contact, even his body was limp when she tried to shake him. He was totally still saved from his uncontrollable shaking mixed with a few bout erratic twitching. His breathing was so ineffective his chest barely raised up between each breath. Not knowing what to do, Emilia put Julius’ head on her lap, hoping her presence would soothe him. 

“Betty doesn’t understand. Julius is better than that, why did he read one of those books!” Beatrice was beyond mad, this place was going to be the death of them. Even the most level-headed of them still fell victim to its evil.   
“I shouldn’t have left him alone.” Anastasia was eaten by guilt. It was her fault, she should have let him follow her. Those books weren’t worth it.   
“Which book?” Emilia was just beginning to pull herself together.   
“This satanic tool, I suppose.” Beatrice pointed at it but didn’t dare to touch it.   
“It’s one from the strange collection.” Anastasia didn’t touch it either.   
“Let me see it.” If Julius could read it, it must mean he knew who it belonged to.  
“Don’t, in fact!” Beatrice tried to kick the book away but Emilia already took it. 

Emilia took a good look at the edge, letting the symbols engrave themselves in her retina. She saw those strokes before, no, she drew them. She remembered tracing them on her forearm with her finger over and over again. It was a few months ago, even before the siege of Priestella. She was writing a letter to a lesser lord when Subaru barged into her study room. She couldn’t say what he wanted to tell her anymore, but he ended up staying to chat with her. He started to monologue on her beauty again, and she laughed at his endearing nonsense. 

_‘Emilia, you truly are E.M.T!’_

Subaru would tell her that often, but this time he dipped a finger in her inkpot and wrote it on his forearm.

_‘That way, everybody will know I belong to my beautiful angel!’_

He made her laugh, as always, but this time she wanted to play along with him. So she dipped her finger in ink and started to write the glyphs for his name on her own arm. 

_‘I want people to know I belong to you tooooo.’_ she smiled, the idea was lovely.  
_‘Bzzzzz. Cut!’_ he crossed his forearm to accentuate his words.   
_‘Whyyyy? I really really want to write your name too!’_ she thought it would make him happy.  
_‘I know and it’s the greatest honor of my life.’_ he took more ink. _‘But if you want to show your love for Natsuki Subaru, you have to write his name the way he, himself, writes it.’_   
_‘I guess?’_ he lost her.  
_‘This is the name his parents gave him at birth. Behold Natsuki Subaru’s true name!’_

He took her arm gently and started to trace what seemed like a meaningless set of strokes. Yet it made all the sense in the world to him and he drew it with care and in minute details. After waiting for the ink to dry, Emilia let her finger run over the strokes. 

_‘Do you like it? The first two are my last name and the last one is my first name. And if you read them together, they spell my name…’_

Still kneeling in the library, Emilia looked at her blank forearm. She remembered the meaning of the symbols now. They meant…

“Natsuki Subaru.”


	2. The chess player

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that's when Subaru knew... he fucked up.

Emilia was running out of the library as fast as she could, she could feel her chest fight against her ragged breath. She had to find Subaru and she had to find him fast. Her mind couldn’t get away from him, from his book of the dead, no, from his near fifty books of dead. The thought alone of him having a single book in his name was pure agony. She couldn’t wrap her mind around it, it didn’t make any sense. The sheer confusion was enough to make her cry uncontrollably. Between her cries and how fast she ran, the fact she managed to breathe was a miracle. 

Beatrice wanted to stop her from running away, but there was nothing she could do without hurting her. But it wasn’t out of goodness from her heart, it was to ask Emilia to explain herself. That girl had the gall to say Subaru’s name after looking at the book and disappear just after. She just took off with her secrets, her secret about Betty’s Subaru. Emilia left her clueless about the situation with a vegetative Julius on her small shoulders. 

“Don’t be too mad, great spirit.” Anastasia kneeled next to Beatrice. “The poor girl is just out o’ her mind.”  
“What do you mean, in fact!” Beatrice tried to sound calm but failed.  
“Of course that’s not Subaru’s book, he was alive an hour ago and, thank god, there ain’t forty of him.” she rolled her eyes. “But she worries about him, that’s young love for ya. The book could have any other symbols and she would still have thought about her knight. Can ya blame her?”  
“It’s just that? She is just worried about Betty’s Subaru?” she wanted to believe Anastasia so much.  
“Ya bet. Would have been Subaru in her place, he would have run off shouting Emilia’s name.”  
“...” Beatrice pouted.  
“Or yours.” she winked at the small spirit. Anastasia was as lost as Beatrice, but letting the girl worry would bring nothing but trouble.

Still running, Emilia tried to think and find a rational explanation for these cursed books. She counted them, there were approximately forty-five of them, forty-five books with Subaru’s name. Not only were they named after him, but they used Subaru’s special writing system. Moreover, his name was unheard of, she never met another Subaru in her life and neither did anyone at the mansion. The cosmopolitan Roswaal never did, the traveling merchant Otto never did, the well-read Beatrice never did, the 400 years old Puck never did. She was sure they were only a single 'Natsuki Subaru' on the whole continent. 

But it couldn’t be it, there had to be a simple explanation. She was just too panicked to think clearly. She never was the smartest tool in the shed and was always a true dunderhead. Her not understanding was expected, she only had herself to blame for worrying way too much. Subaru and death were two separate entities and the idea of them meeting was ridiculous. He wasn’t immortal, of course, but he was made to die of old age at eighty or even later. For all she knew, he might have demi-human blood that would make him live even longer. He told her that they were made to grow old together, after all. 

“Think, dunderhead. Think, think!” she just needed to think. 

She had an explanation! The solution struck her so suddenly that it made her trip and fall on the cold hard ground. The fall hurt her and scraped her arms and knees but she didn’t care. She had her solution! 

“Well, duh.” she hit her forehead with the palm of her hand. “ See, you just needed to think, Emilia.” she let out a heavy sigh, she needed to catch her breath.

The only people that could share Subaru’s unique name was… his family! It seemed obvious to her now, he told her it was the name his parents gave him and they clearly didn’t invent it. It was a tradition in some families to give to their first-born son the name of their father and their father’s father. Lord Roswaal was the twelfth of his name after all. Subaru was obviously born from a long line of 'Natsuki Subaru' before him. That would make a really really long line, more than a thousand years old. But if two lines in his family had this tradition, then it would only take twenty generations to come to him. Nobody knew where he came from, maybe half of his village in the middle of nowhere was named 'Natsuki Subaru'. Small villages were known to keep blood in the same place after all. That would explain everything!

Emilia felt instantly better, she just needed to confirm the man himself now. She got up and started humming as she slowly walked her way down the stairs. After this big of a scare, she deserved to ask Subaru for a big old hug. She could maybe even offer him a lap pillow, she enjoyed them as much as he did nowadays. Even without 'the book of the dead panic', he deserved one after dealing with the tower’s trials. 

It took her fifteen minutes to reach where Subaru told her he would be and he didn’t lie, because she found him talking to Ram and Meili there. She wanted him to rest in the greenroom, but he insisted on briefing things out with Meili first. As big of a heart Subaru had, he still had to have a serious talk with the young girl about her behavior. She almost pushed him off the stairs after all. How did he know and where did he find the strength to forgive her, she didn’t know, but her knight was full of surprises. If only he shared more of his ‘surprises’ with her, she would feel way lighter. He kept too many secrets for his own good, it ought to be tiring and bad for his health. Emilia really wanted to be someone worthy of his trust and she knew she still had a lot of work to do to win it. 

“Look, big sister Emilia is joining us~” Meili got up from her chair to greet her. “It seems like scolding-time is over~.”  
“I am the one who decides when scolding-time is over, young lady!” Subaru made his best impression of his mother.  
“Ah! Barusu has the authority of a wet noodle, who knew?” Ram smirked at him, he needed to be reminded of his place.  
“Shuuuuuuuuut up!” he said with a low voice. At least he knew that Ram was feeling just fine, what a consolation prize. “My Emilia came to see me, right? She is here to praise me and maybe even give a precious lap pillow!”  
“How did you know? I was going to suggest just that.” seeing him safe and the sound was all she needed.  
“A little birdy told me!” the prospect of a lap-pillow made him giddy.  
“Barusu is a pervert, he thinks about your thighs all day long. Disgusting.” she sneered.  
“What is disgusting? Subaru’s perverted mind or Emilia’s thighs?” Meili chimed in. It was the perfect opportunity to make them forget about the stairs thingy.  
“WHAAAAAT?!?” Subaru feigned shock. “Emilia’s thighs are divine! They are GOD-GIVEN!” 

Emilia laughed, not at Subaru’s normal antics but at herself for her earlier freakout. He was alive and fine, equal to himself and the same Subaru as ever. When the world kept changing around her, it was nice to have something that stayed the same. 

“By the way, Subaru.” Emilia took his hand to bring him closer to her.  
“Y-y-yes?” whatever she was planning on doing, Subaru was getting excited.  
“Are you in fact 'Natsuki Subaru' junior?” she smiled, she already knew the answers but it couldn’t hurt to ask. It was just about sleeping a little better tonight.  
“Eh? Junior???” he was not expecting that. “What do you mean ‘junior’?”  
“Silly Subaru! It means that your father is Natsuki Subaru senior!” he was joking around but her fragile heart couldn’t take it. “Be serious, please.”  
“My father?” they went from talking about her thighs to talking about his father, why did she have to kill the mood? This was cruel. “My father is named Kenichi. Natsuki Kenichi to be exact.”  
“Hahaha. Please.” what was he doing? Why was he lying? “I said be serious. Please.” all traces of joy left her face.  
“Emilia, you know I love you but you’re not making any sense.” he tried to laugh awkwardness off. “My father is named Natsuki Kenichi, my mother is named Natsuki Naoko and I am named Natsuki Subaru. The one and only. There are no junior or senior shenanigans.”  
“The one and only.” she parroted him as realization dawned on her.  
“Yes, the one and only.” he accentuated the ‘only’. “I am NATSUKI SUBARU, first of my name and yours truly.” he winked playfully. 

Emilia laughed the sourest laugh of her life. Tears began to rise again, this time it felt like Subaru himself was pouring acid under her eyelids. Her whole body tensed, her fingers clawed her clothes and her jaw tightened. She summoned all the strength in her body to take a deep breath and ask the real question, the one she should have asked since the beginning. 

“Emilia, are you ok? Why does my father’s name upset you so much?” Subaru tried to touch her face to wipe her tears away but she slammed his hand off. “Emilia???”  
“If you’re the only one Natsuki Subaru.” she looked at him with a fury she never felt before. “THEN WHY DID WE FOUND FORTY-FIVE BOOKS OF THE DEAD WITH YOUR NAME ON IT?”  
“...” Subaru’s face went blank at the accusation.  
“Oh, shit…” Meili was dumbstruck. This was insane.  
“Barusu, answer her question. NOW!” 

Ram was barely listening to their lover’s quarrel when Emilia dropped this bomb. She expected Barusu to deny her accusation but he said nothing... this was as good as admitting it. 

“Barusu, answer!"

He kept his mouth shut, he wasn’t even acknowledging Ram or Meili, he was staring at Emilia. She didn’t know if he was too shocked to react or if he was thinking about a way to explain himself, but his guilt was obvious. Ram never saw him so expressionless, even in his most serious moment, there was still a fire in his eyes. Emilia looked like she just accused him of killing her own mother, her face was a mix of anger and despair. 

“I’m listening, Subaru.” she told the truth. “I beg you, give me an explanation. I just want an explanation.”  
“Emilia.” Subaru looked away, acting strangely disinterested. “Where did you find them?”  
“W-w-why does it matter?!? Just answer me, please, answer me!” she was grasping at straws and was ready to accept any explanation coming from him. He just needed to give her one.  
“Barusu, stop stalling for time. She might let you off easy, but I won’t.” 

Subaru threw a glance at Ram, he didn’t need her useless intervention but he understood where she was coming from. They were two or three books reading away from summoning the ‘Witch of Envy’ again and it sent shivers down his spine. And this was without taking into consideration the disaster that was Emilia knowing about his power or all he went through. He witnessed those books destroying Louis not too long ago, the memories were still fresh in his mind. 

He wanted to shoot himself through the head, that would save him from a world of trouble and a massive headache. But not only did he throw off strategic-suicide a long time ago, but he couldn’t risk having to challenge the tower again. He knew that their victory was at least ninety percent pure luck and he couldn’t guarantee a deathless victory again. The safest way was to run with it and find a way to avoid revealing ‘Return by Death’. He knew that letting people get away with a half-truth was tolerated by the ‘Witch of Envy’, Roswaal was aware of the time travel aspect of his power after all. 

“There is no reason to keep dilly-dallying about it.” he sighed, hoping he could wrestle back the control of the situation. “Let’s go see those books for ourselves.” 

Subaru tried to control his breathing, this situation was as tense as he feared. He should have hidden the books away, but he was afraid it would break the library rules. With hindsight, he should have at least scattered them in the library, they would have gone unnoticed in the sea of black covers. It was too late for regrets now, he could only work with it. 

“So you’re not even denying it, Barusu.” Ram wanted to spit on him. “Let’s see how your knight fucked up this time, ‘lady’ Emilia.” 

Ram followed Subaru who was walking ahead not saying a word. His silence was uncanny, Ram couldn't believe he would make her miss his nonsense. This man was unforgivable. She looked behind her and saw that Emilia was not moving, while even Meili ran to Subaru to follow him. 

“Let’s go. Freezing in place will get you nowhere.” Ram took Emilia’s hand to guide her. “And you better start praying for your knight’s life, he has a lot to explain.” 

The walk up the stairs was long and exhausting, Ram would never get used to it. Especially since she had to drag a barely responsive Emilia with her. She wanted to shake some sense back into her, but she couldn’t get herself to. The poor girl looked broken by the implication of Subaru having one or many books of the dead. As the name indicated, the books of the dead were for the dead. And Subaru was disturbingly alive, walking just in front of them.

“I hope that the answer to this nonsense is that you died long ago and you’re just a hallucination, Barusu.” She spat her venom on him, it was better than just staying silent and let her brain think about this situation. And Subaru was a big boy, he knew how to handle her brand of ‘love’.  
“You are a cruel sister, Ram. I thought you liked me.” Subaru turned around to answer her quip before facing in front of him again.  
“Did you forget that you were unlovable?” she was disappointed at Subaru’s answers, his words sounded mean but he put no energy behind them.  
“Your sister did love though.” he snapped his finger at her without looking at her.  
“That was a low blow~”

Meili didn’t know where to put herself, this situation was pure insanity. Subaru, 'The Subaru'... having not one, not two, not three but forty-five books of the dead? She already knew he was fishy, but he was blowing her expectation out of the water. It always tired her how they all acted like everything was fine and he wasn’t shadier than his own shadow. The man came out of nowhere, had the luck of the devil, had connections to the Witch Cult and even 'The Witch' herself, had obscure motivations, had a weird immunity to some archbishops’ authorities, seemed way too acquainted with future events, could share his bed with his attempted murderer and was deeply linked to this tower of horror. Ergo, Natsuki Subaru was shady. She even heard that his love for Emilia had almost no basis. 

It felt as if he was playing chess and they were all playing checkers. As the rules of the game of life were nothing but a mere suggestion to him. She hated him for it, but she couldn't help but respect him for it too.

“You are a true brother to me, so I won’t interrogate you like a criminal. So can you just tell me what’s up? Please? Pretty please~” Meili almost sang her words.  
“Please, Meili. Don’t make it harder than it is.” Emilia said. 

Ram looked at Emilia, at least she was talking now. She was starting to worry about the girl's mental health. She was too naive for her own good, she trusted Barusu too much. Even if she believed his intentions were good, she should already know that his ways are shrouded in secrets. Ram herself was wary of him, but she went past it. Because there were two things she knew about him: he cared for Rem and Rem cared for him. That was all that mattered. Their love-hate relationship was meaningless in the end, as long as they could work together for Rem’s wellbeing. Even if she liked him as one could like a thorn in their side, she couldn’t let her feelings blind her to how suspicious he was. 

The way to the library was a silent march, it made Meili feel extremely uncomfortable. It reminded her of her secret night trip to read Elsa’s book, the night where she met a quite ominous Subaru. And the one in front of her was quite sinister too, Emilia was the one who found the books but he was the one leading the way. He wasn’t even trying to feign ignorance about him having forty-five books of the dead. This was going to be funky. 

“At least you brought help, I suppose!” Beatrice shouted as she saw Emilia coming back with Subaru, Ram, and Meili.  
“Ya had us worried, runnin’ so fast!” Anastasia was really worried, Emilia looked ghastly before running away. 

Ram was expecting to find a pile of books with Barusu’s name on it, not Beatrice and Anastasia standing in front of a half-asleep Julius. What was he doing sitting against a wall anyway? There were enough chairs for the three of them. She walked toward him to have a good look at his face only to reel back in shock: he looked ill and barely conscious. His unfocused gaze broke Ram’s heart, she wanted to act tough, but even she couldn’t stand to look at him for too long. 

“What happened to your knight?” Ram asked Anastasia.  
“Emilia didn’t tell ya???” Anastasia was taken aback. She disappeared for more than half an hour and she didn’t take the time to brief the others?  
“She didn’t even mention him.” Ram glanced at Emilia, she was really out of her mind. “Ugh!” why was everything so complicated? 

Subaru approached Julius slowly, making sure to not freak him out. He saw the book on the floor not too far from him, it was one of his own, unfortunately. He didn’t know which one, but he suspected that Julius chose a bad one. He was a knight and a seasoned warrior, a quick death wouldn’t have affected him to the point of catatonia. Subaru kneeled in front of Julius, all his animosity toward his friend, real and faked, dissipated as he watched him twitch in confused agony. 

He didn’t know if touching Julius was a good idea, but he couldn’t just watch him suffer. As soon as Subaru’s hand touched his friend’s face, Julius locked eye contact with Subaru before grabbing him and holding him in an awkward embrace. 

“Orf.” Julius' hold on Subaru was so tight, he forced the air out of Subaru’s lungs. “It’s alright, I’m here, I’m here.” Subaru tried to wiggle some breathing room.  
“Hey! Why you?” Anastasia couldn’t believe she was getting jealous. But of course, he would rather have the company of somebody who actually remembered him. She was acting childish. 

Subaru would feel honored if Julius wasn't killing him right now, that would be his dumbest use of ‘Return by Death’ yet. Using both his hands to loosen Julius’ grip, Subaru managed to create enough room to at least turn around and face Emilia and the others. If he had to find a way to protect the ‘Return by Death’ secret, he would be preferable to actually be able to look around him. His new position was more comfortable but feeling Julius’ breathe on the nape of his neck was unsettling. He would have to deal with it.

“Wait, I suppose…” Beatrice stopped looking at Subaru and Julius. “If not for Julius, what are you doing here?”  
“She’s right?” Anastasia didn’t think about it, but why were they here if Emilia didn’t tell them about the book incident?  
“It’s simple~” Meili chimed in. “We’re here fooooor… Subaru’s forty-five books of the dead!” Meili clapped her hands. Enough with the hug shenanigan, it was time to dive deep into the mystery!  
“Excuse me?” Anastasia wanted to laugh. “Subaru is right here, in front of us.” she pointed to him with both her hands.  
“He didn’t deny it.” Emilia couldn’t get herself to look at him.  
"What?" Anastasia blinked in surprise.  
“Say something, I suppose!”  
“...” he said nothing.  
“Subaru!” Beatrice rushed to her contractor's side. “I said: Say something, I suppose!” she tried to shake him but Julius' hold was too tight.  
“I’m sorry.” Subaru bit his lips, readying himself for what was to come. 

Beatrice screamed. She screamed as hard as her little lungs could. Her whole body outright refused what Subaru and Meili told her. The books of the dead were meant for the dead and the dead only. 

“Do you understand what you’re saying, in fact?” she picked up the book on the floor before putting it an inch from Subaru’s face. She could barely look at it before, but she had to show him just how foolish he was. “If it was your book of the dead, there would be written ‘Natsuki Subaru’ on it! But it’s not, so shut up, I suppose!”  
“It does.” Subaru looked away.  
“You’re mad!” she took a good look at the edge. “It’s on-” 

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. She was too shaken to make attention to the symbols before, but now that somebody gave her the answer, it was obvious. It was the name Subaru taught her to write. His name. 

“Ah!” she threw the book on the floor as if it was burning her hands. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.”  
“Are ya confirming it? Is it Subaru’s name?” Anastasia opened her eyes as wide as she could. How could someone alive have a book of the dead, no, how could he have forty-five of it?  
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” Beatrice grabbed fistfuls of her hair with her hands. “Betty doesn’t understand. Betty doesn’t understand!”  
“Shit, so it’s true.” Ram sneered. She wanted to see the book for herself, but its mere presence disgusted her. 

Emilia walked toward Subaru, looking at the floor. She kneeled in front of him, so they could be on the same level. Julius was holding him like a lifeline, but it didn’t matter, she didn’t dare to touch him anyway. 

“Subaru, I beg you.” she raised her head and forced herself to maintain eye contact. “Tell me the truth.” 

And so the game began. Subaru knew telling the truth would be a death sentence for everyone in this room and would compromise their hopeless conquest of this tower. A good lie was the only option. 

He knew he wasn't the best liar in the world and sincerely having to lie made him feel dirty. But it wasn't about him, it was about everything he cared about. He could let his inadequacies kill everyone, he couldn't throw everyone back in the hell that was the 'tower's challenges'. Shaula, the mabeast, the glutonnies, Reid, the shared burden of 'Cor Leonis', the last trial... He had to save them from all of that. He had to play and win. 

He took a deep breath and started to make a mental list of the rules of this deadly game:  
1 - Julius read one of his books. He couldn't see which book he took, all the books on the higher shelf were tilted down. But he knew he put them back in chronological order, so he could tell which book depicted which loop.  
2 - He admitted that those books belonged to him. Denying it would be useless, they only need to read one of them or ask Julius when he would return to his senses to know the truth. Moreover, admitting it would make him seem more honest.  
3 - He could not keep them from reading the other books if they really wanted to. Emilia could pin him down in a second, and she didn’t even need to do it since Julius was trapping him in his arms.  
4 - Them knowing about ‘Return by Death’ was a clear game over. However, them knowing about his time-traveling or relative immortality was game.  
5 - Reading a single book might be enough to understand some of his abilities but would be too little to see the big picture.  
6 - Not all books were created equal. Some depicted more ‘graphic’ deaths than others. Some of his loops were more informative than others. If he could control which book would be read by whom, he could control the flow of information.  
7 - The book showed everything, from what he saw to the pain he felt. Only his precise thoughts were spared. Which was good, it would be an automatic game over otherwise.  
8- A book showed what happened between two deaths. So reading the last book would not reveal his whole life.  
9 - He could use all the tools at his disposition to get out of this mess. It was a matter of life and death and his room of maneuver was minuscule. 

He had to act fast, every second wasted by stalling would raise their suspicions. He hated having to play against his friends, Beatrice and Emilia especially. But it was a game only he could play, and he was going to fight tooth and nails. 

The true trial of the Great Library Pleiades began.

Time-limit: “Unclear”.  
Numbers of attempts: “One”.  
Challengers: “Subaru only”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: The flow of time and knowledge.


	3. The flow of time and knowledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anastasia doesn't intend to be a pawn.

Subaru looked at Emilia before analyzing the rest of the room. He wanted to cry but he couldn't give up now. He had to do it and then he could take the longest nap in his life. He knew that Emilia and Beatrice wanted nothing but to believe him, so he hoped he could count on their help during the… ‘negotiations’. Julius was still out of commission, practically sleeping over his shoulder. Anastasia and Meili would not let anything suspicious fly, they liked him, yes, but not enough to turn a blind eye to any inconsistencies. Ram had been unusually antagonistic since Emilia told her about the books, she would be a wild card in the 'negotiations'. 

Subaru played his first move and prayed to all the divinities he knew of for the strength to carry on. 

“I’m sorry. I planned on telling you about it one day, but I was scared to.” he wasn’t planning on saying anything, but dear god he was scared.  
“Go on.” Emilia nobbed to encourage him to speak more. She was ready to know the truth.  
“I have a… secret power. More of a curse, if I have to be honest.” he gulped, this was going to be a bold move. “I can return from the dead.” there, he said it. Now he had to see how they would react to it.  
“L-like Reinhard’s blessing of the phoenix? You have such a macabre blessing????” Emilia couldn’t believe her ears. Why didn’t he tell her earlier?  
“Yes.” God bless Emilia. Subaru wanted to kiss her. “Yes.” He knew what he was saying was breaking her, but he wanted to kiss her all the same. It was awful, but her believing in the ‘Return from death’ blessing was better than her knowing about his ‘Return by Death’ curse.  
“Such a powerful blessing in the hand of a man.” Anastasia played with the idea in her mind. “It would mean that you used it forty-five times in your lifetime. That makes an average of two and a half death per year.” that sounded dreadful. “You live a dangerous life Mr. Natsuki Subaru, most men do their best to only die once.”  
“A really dangerous one~” Meili was shocked by the revelation. It meant that she could have pushed him down those damned stairs and he would have ‘survived’ it. Damn. She would have been in trouble. 

Beatrice was not convinced. She wanted to believe her Subaru, her contractor, her friend, no, her brother even, but it didn’t make sense. 

“You have a blessing, in fact.” she knew he couldn’t. She knew about the miasma around him, she knew about his connection to the witch. One could not be blessed both by the divine and the witch. She wanted to cry.  
“Yes.” he feared Beatrice’s reaction. If somebody could know that the nature of his power could not be a blessing, it would be her. “A blessing, Beako.” he looked at her intensely. He hoped that the bond they shared would be enough to convey his true intentions. She was as close as a sister to him, if she couldn't understand him then nobody could.  
“Why…” Beatrice looked deep into her Subaru’s eyes. She understood what he was trying to protect and it was her duty as his loyal spirit to help him. Them talking about his affiliation to the witch would wait. “Why didn’t you tell Betty earlier?” she meant it, she understood now why he could be so unfazed by death.  
“Hold on.” 

Ram couldn’t take it anymore, she tried to harden herself and keep her mind strong but her soul and body were shaking. After everything that happened in this cursed tower, after finally getting closer to save Rem… after being able to believe in a happy ending, a new calamity fell upon them. The second she let her guard down, the tower struck her heart and broke it. 

When Emilia brought the news and destroyed the illusion of a happy ending, Ram thought she could take it. That if she took the lead and braced herself, she would be ready for the new wave of adversity. That by being her hardest self, nothing could break her. But she was wrong. Now that she was in front of the ugly truth, all the walls around her heart fell one after the other. 

What were her options? What could she do to be able to carry on and continue her duty as Rem’s sister? If she let her legs shake and her will waver, then she could never protect her sister and she already failed her once. So what should she do? Deny the existence of the blessing? Deny the fact that she cared about Subaru? Deny the absolute horror of immortality through death? Accepting all of them would be the end of her. 

So to fake the strength needed to stand, she indulged in her weakness. She was going to fight those three facts until they made her fall. On every level, she was aware of the futility of her endeavor. But she could not accept the truth, not until the proofs broke the last wall around her heart. 

So she asked for them. 

“If Barusu believes we are going to swallow his lies, then he is delusional.” she hit the floor with her foot, squashing the voice telling her to give up and accept the truth. “Give us proof or accept that Barusu’s claims are worthless.” 

At least, she didn’t outright deny it. So he could take it as a victory? He wasn’t even sure. He was five minutes in and Emilia was already heartbroken, it would only get worse from there. 

Subaru took a few seconds to debrief with himself. They were not against the idea of him being some sort of Phoenix (he would have killed to become one before coming into this world. ‘Be careful what you wish for’ he guessed.) and him having an overpowered blessing. Now it was time for step two: Try to convince them not to read the books. And if it didn't work, then he would have to some dangerous damage controls. 

“I know you want to read the book to see for yourself.” if he was in their place, he would have already read one. “But you understand why I would be against it?” having someone live out your memories was disturbing after all.  
“No, I don’t.” Ram knew this was a weak response, but she couldn’t let him reach her heart yet.  
“...” Subaru kept his mouth shut but he wanted to scream some disgraceful words. Her bad faith was unbearable, what was she doing?  
“So, please. Kindly explain to Ram and the other, Barusu.”  
“...” Subaru was sure Ram understood what he meant. Couldn't she see how serious the situation was? Why was she being so difficult?  
“I’m with the maid on that point. Ya can’t just say what you want without expectin’ us to check for ourselves. Your claim is no joke, credible, but no joke.”  
“Did you hear Miss Anastasia, Barusu?” at least she wasn’t the only one fighting on that front. Barusu was the one going too far by claiming such absurd horror.  
“Really???” he was sick of her contrarian attitude, had she gone mad, or did she just wanted to drive him insane? “Do you think you can just infringe my right to privacy? Don’t you have enough of abusing other people’s kindness? Can’t you see-” Subaru bit his tongue to stop himself. Where did that come from?  
“If you want my opinion~.” Meili said.  
“Ram doesn’t know why, but she thinks your opinion is going to disgust her.”  
“If anybody else but the mean sister wants my opinion~” she started again. “I think that Subaru is a healthy young man, maybe he is afraid that we’re going to see him… mmmh… pleasure himself!”  
“Gross.” 

Anastasia was right, it was disgusting and frankly embarrassing but he could roll with it. He wouldn’t even have to fake feeling shameful, he was already blushing at the idea that Emilia might see that. 

“Barusu doesn’t even deny his perversion. Ram is not surprised.”  
“Shuuuuuuut up, who knows what you do at night while thinking about Ros-”  
“Shut. your. mouth. Or we’re going to have a forty-sixth book on our hands.” speaking of Roswaal this way was never tolerated, even in the eye of an unholy hurricane.  
“Stop with this useless back and forth!” Anastasia sat in a nearby chair, this was going to be very long. “But Meili is right, livin’ his life is not a trivial matter. We’re going to know him waaay too much afterward. Our relationships would never be the same.”  
“And Betty thinks you’re forgetting the obvious, I suppose.” she pointed at Julius. “Look at him, do you want to end up like that?”  
“Good heckin’ point~” Meili had no interest in becoming a vegetable.  
“Ram is ready to make the sacrifice.” she really was. This was the only way to be sure. The only way to accept the truth, her feelings, and the agony. And then… and then… She was terrified to think about it. 

It was hard to accept but it seemed that he couldn’t weasel out of inviting them to read at least one book. Anastasia was suspicious, Ram was in absolute denial and he could do nothing about it. He tried and he failed. It was time to turn this page and move his pieces carefully. 

“I think.” he looked at everyone but Ram. “I think we can make a compromise.”  
“I’m listenin’.” Anastasia was all ears. So he was going to negotiate? Interesting. He would be playing on her turf then.  
“You want proof, well, we have proof just right next to us.” he threw a glance at the shelves, his shelves. “Go ahead, a book should suffice to appease you. If you want to see me die… or even die with me, that is.”  
“SUBARU!” Emilia couldn’t believe Subaru just said something so atrocious.  
“I’m sorry, Emilia. But it’s true! They are my books of the dead, I can’t deny it.” he gave her a thin smile. “But you’re not forced to read at them, nobody is.”  
“Why stop at one?” Subaru had something in mind, Ram was sure of it.  
“Why?” he shook his head. “One, they are dangerous. Look at Julius! You never even read one and you think you can read forty of them???” Ram said nothing. “Two, it’s overkill. You don’t need to know all my life.”  
“Ram, please.” Emilia turned her head to face her. “I know it’s hard, but you are only hurting yourself.” 

The revelation exhausted Emilia, her mind was in a haze. She didn’t even have the strength to cry anymore. When she saw the book, she feared for Subaru's immediate safety. And when she found him, she thought she could at least believe he was safe and sound. But he never had been safe and sound, Anastasia said he died on average two and a half times per year! At least a few of his deaths occurred after they met. For all she knew, some of them were due to her. 

It meant that for all intents and purposes, she killed him herself. She knew it was selfish to think about her guilt when Subaru was the one who suffered, but she couldn't help it. She thought he was so lucky to avoid death, that maybe fate loved him as much as it hated her, but she was wrong. He didn’t avoid death, it hit him hard and he just got back up. Emilia almost laughed, ‘he just got back up’, it was Subaru in a nutshell. 

One part of her wanted to believe that all those books were ‘just’ him dying peacefully in his sleep. Or him tripping on something and dying immediately after. But one look at Julius was enough to tell otherwise. He was dissociating, the effect of the book might have worn off, but his mind was still trapped in the moment of his death. She wondered why Julius was holding Subaru for dear life. Was he in need of reassurance or help? Or did he wish to protect his friend even in this broken state? She only really knew Julius for a month, but she wanted to believe it was the latter. Julius and Subaru’s friendship was strong and true, no matter what the latter said. 

It was time for her to face the truth, to face the horror of her nature. To finally see the price she made Subaru pay over and over again. She was always aware that his love for her was, at least, part madness, but she looked the other way because she needed to believe in it.

It was time to wake up from her dream. 

“So… one book and I get to choose it.” Subaru had to force this condition, if they picked the wrong book they would see things that didn’t happen for them.  
“Why?” Anastasia jumped after his demand, he asked too much without justification.  
“There are a lot of things, having nothing to do with the situation, that I don’t want you to see.” and there were a lot of things about this situation he didn’t want them to see. “I’m willing to cooperate, but please let me have a shred of privacy left. You don’t need to know all my fears and my darkest moments, please.”  
“So ya are appealing to our goodwill?” Anastasia asked.  
“Yes.” yes he was.  
“Ram has no goodwill toward you.”  
“Ram, stop with the bad faith, in fact!” Beatrice stomped her feet on the floor. “If it weren’t for Subaru you’ll be dead!” she stomped again. “And Rem too!” it was a low blow, but she had enough of her.  
“Tch.” Ram knew it, she knew it better than anyone. Her fight was futile, so why couldn't she stop? 

Subaru wanted to hug his Beako, she was his guardian angel. The hero he needed but didn’t deserve. He was proud of being Betty’s Subaru.

“I hope Ram won’t have to see any pathetic needles, at least.”  
“Weeeeeell, if he goes to the toilet~, you’ll be forced to watch it and tou-”  
“Murderous child should kindly shut-up.” she didn’t need to be reminded of that.  
“If Ram gets to read one, I would like to see one for myself too.” Anastasia raised her hand. “If ya want us to have a business relationship in the future, you'll have to make the first step.”  
“Fair enough.” Subaru knew she would ask.  
“And do not try to mess with me by givin’ me the same one as Ram. Don’t be greedy, I see ya tryin’ to control the flow of information.” Anastasia shook her head. “A book each should be a good compromise, don’t ya think?”  
“Fair enough.” Subaru knew she would be a thorn in his sides too.  
“Betty wants one too, I suppose.”  
“What???” why was his girl, his trusted Beako, back-stabbing him?  
“Betty won’t apologize for wanting what she wants. If Subaru had been sincere since the beginning, Betty wouldn’t have to read those books to know the truth.” she shook her head. “Do not mistake Betty’s request for suspicion, in fact. She just knows that it’s the only way to see the big picture and be able to help you. It’s the only way to help you stop doing that thing with your arm.”  
“What thing with his arm?” Meili wanted to know  
“Murderous child should kindly shut-up, I suppose.”  
“Ok~” too bad, she wouldn’t know (yet).

Emilia closed her eyes, she knew what she had to say but she also knew it was going to hurt him. But it had to be done, Beatrice was right, she had to tear off his cloak of secrecy. It was the only path down redemption, the only way to finally help him.

“Please, assign me a book too.”  
“Emilia…” what he feared the most happened. “Trust me, yo-”  
“No, you’re the one who is going to trust me today.” she caressed her face, she didn’t want him to believe she was mad at him. “You’ve done enough, from now on, we will take care of things.”  
“Can I have a book too~?”  
“...” everybody looked at her.  
“Ok, ok. I get it, I get it…” 

Now that he had the situation back under relative control, he had to play his cards right to ensure his two objectives :  
The most important one, give them a book that didn’t hint at his time-traveling abilities. As the books regenerated themself after his death, he only had records of failed realities. So he had to give each book to someone who wasn’t aware of what happened in the true timeline. Or at least give them a loop that could have its place in it. Giving to Ram the loop where she tried to kill him would be troublesome. Then he would have to convince them not to talk to each other about it, but this would have to wait.  
The second one, try to not make them suffer too much. They didn’t need to follow in Julius’ footsteps.  
He used his privacy to justify assigning the books but protecting it was out the window. It would only add a useless layer of difficulty. He could consider it a punishment for failing to protect Emilia and his friend from his secrets. They were going to suffer from it, and they were none the wiser. It made him want to vomit, but he had to swing the sword himself to ensure that they would live. 

He scanned the shelves and dive deep into painful memories, he had to think fast and hard, he had to pay attention to every detail. He had to select loops where nobody was with him or where at least one of them was absent and they had to be as pain-free as possible. Unfortunately, Subaru and pain-free in the same sentence seemed to be an oxymoron. 

His life in another world flashed back in his mind, the memories were still fresh from his little trip down memory lane with Louis. Running after time, unable to risk them changing their mind, Subaru had to choose quickly and wisely. After a few minutes of consideration, he found which book he would give to each person. 

“Emilia.” she perked up when he said her name. “You can take the third one from the top-left.” Emilia stood up and took the book in her hand, it was heavier than she thought.

It was the time when he was stabbed by the three stooges. He had been with Emilia since almost the beginning, he didn’t have much choice for her, he had to choose a book from before their 'final first meeting'. The only real problem was their short interaction where he called her ‘Satella’. But a five seconds conversation was easier to explain than any other interactions they had. And it had the good taste of being a relatively painless death. Relatively… he would not have described it as such if you asked him at the time. 

“Beako… The thirteen one, if you count Emilia’s book.” Beatrice tried to reach the book, but her small height forbade her to. Emilia gave it to her. “Please, if you wonder why… It was despair, just despair.”  
“Despair…” Beatrice looked at the giant book in her small hands. This book was her Subaru’s despair. 

It was his suicide after finding Rem’s unconscious body. He knew it was a particularly hard one, but he had no other choice. Beatrice was present for everything since he came to live in the mansion. Only his suicide after the battle with Petelgeuse, his death by Elsa in the capital, his encounters with the sizeable hare, and his suicide in front of the ‘Witch of Envy’ were available. The first one was the lesser of four evils. 

“Ram.”  
“Yes, Barusu? Hope you won’t make a stupid choice.”  
“Don’t worry. The nineteenth has your name on it. Mind the fact that Emilia and Betty took two of them.”  
“Ram will.” She counted the book and took the seventeenth from the top-left. That should be the nineteenth one from Baruru’s perspective. 

His first encounter with the dreaded Sirius. The death happened so fast and the artificial euphoria he felt was so strong, he doubted Ram would really understand what happened. He knew he didn’t. Blind-sighting her with absolute confusion should work. 

“Anastasia…” Subaru was too tired to think. “The fourth, so the third.” he was too tired to talk. He just wanted it to be over.  
“Thank you! But how do ya know which book is which? Are they in a particular order?”  
“Does it matter?” he sighed but he didn’t have the strength to fight against them anymore. “But yes, in chronological order.”  
“So I’m about to meet a lil’ Subaru?”  
“You’ll see.” he barely held in a sour laugh, acting strange wouldn’t help. 

This one was rather simple, it was the time he died from the mabeast’s curse. It meant that Anastasia would have the great privilege to meet Rem. He thought about giving it to Ram, but she would notice the inconsistencies. She was at the manor with them and his loops at the capital ended with him meeting the Puck of doom or Petelgeuse.

However, Anastasia did not intend on playing Subaru’s game, she would not let him have control over the situation. She knew he was more astute than he appeared, so she stayed on her guard. He, however, had dropped his and he was getting lost in his thoughts. Anastasia knew that if one wanted to win the big prize, they would have to gamble the big bet. 

Everybody else was looking at their own books, Subaru was deep in thought and Meili was looking over Beatrice’s shoulders. She chose to perform a little switcharoo, she would take only one book, yes, but not the one Subaru assigned her. He was playing her game, after all, he had no hope to win against her. So instead of taking the fourth book, she took the fifth one. 

“Meili.” Subaru looked at her.  
“Yes? Do I get a book in the end???” she knew Subaru wouldn’t let her down.  
“No. You get to watch over Rem.”  
“Unfair! So, so unfair~” Meili wanted to protest, but she couldn’t risk being dragged to the green room by an angry Ram. “Ok, ok~ Killjoys...” 

Meili turned around and made her way out of the library, she should play nice for now. She already pushed her luck with the stairs incidents. Still, the call of the book of the dead was as strong as ever, staying put will be difficult. 

Emilia was glad that Meili went to the green room, she was still a child and she didn’t need to witness their readings. She didn’t know how it was going to be for her, would she end up like Julius? His first read had shaken him but he got out just fine, so maybe it was a question of number. The more you read, the more it could affect you? Or maybe it was a question of how close one was to the owner of the book? Then reading Subaru’s book would destroy her. She didn’t want to disrespect Julius, but she was sure she was closer to Subaru than he was. 

“Then, there it is.” Emilia could barely look at the book, its black cover was taunting her. “It’s time… the time.” she already regretted her choice but she couldn’t back down. She couldn’t turn a blind eye anymore.  
“Betty is scared, in fact. But it is for the better.”  
“Ram has nothing to say...”  
“Let’s sit, Ladies. We’re ‘bout to experience something truly disturbing.” 

The four girls chose to sit on the floor, near Subaru and Julius. They could do nothing but prepare themselves for what was about to come. Anastasia gazed bounced between Julius and her ‘stolen’ book. By opening the book, she accepted the possibility to share Julius’ fate, especially since she chose to bypass Subaru’s ‘advice’. She wanted to sit next to him, but she didn’t dare to. Yes, Julius was her knight, but she wasn’t the one who understood him the most anymore. Subaru was. And Julius seemed to have, at least unconsciously, chosen Subaru as his confidant. 

Ram had the truth in her hands, she had to confront whatever was in it. She could not deny it anymore, she got what she wanted and what she needed. If it was true, then she was going to fall. And if she fell, she was going to stand up back again. But for every second of weakness, everything she loved would be defenseless. But closing her eyes would not keep it from happening, she had to accept the truth, her feelings, and the agony. After reading the book, she would have to look at Barusu in the eyes, believing what he said, knowing that she cared, and facing the horror of his life. It was time to stop using weakness to fake strength. 

Beatrice could not think about anything, all her attention went toward stopping herself from shaking. Subaru said it himself, she was carrying his despair in her hands. He gave her the key to his despair, to his pain. To why, sometimes, he would hurt himself and hide his wounds. Maybe it was a cry for help, maybe he gave her this book so she could help him. In that case, she would be the spirit he deserved, she would help him carry his burden. Reading this book would be the beginning of their relationship as equal. It scared her, but it was what she wanted since he got her out of her library. 

“Before laying my life bare in front of you.” it was the last condition to force through. “I need you to promise me something.”  
“Ya should have said so earlier!” Anastasia sighed. He was trying to squeeze in something at the last minute, he really used every tactic in hand.  
“You can tell Betty about it, I suppose.”  
“Swear you’ll keep what you saw in here a secret. I want my life to stay mine, please.”  
“Ram swears.” Ram said before looking away.  
“Really???” where did that change of heart come from? Subaru was glad but it was surprising.  
“Betty swears too.” she would only use her knowledge to protect him, his secrets were safe with her.  
“I do too of course.” Emilia had no wish to talk about what she saw to anyone but Subaru. She swore to reassure him, but it was implied from the beginning to her.  
“Ya drove a hard bargain and I yield. I swear not to talk about what I saw. But that doesn’t mean I won’t act accordingly.” Anastasia already broke Subaru’s control of the situation by taking the wrong book, she could let him have his privacy. 

With a collective sigh, the four girls opened their book at the same time. And as if a burst of wind erupted in the library, they all fell on the floor. Their trip down the well of memory began.

“Hahahaha.” Subaru laughed nervously. “I fucked up.” his laugh transformed into sobbing and he started to cry. “I fucked up so hard.” 

He didn’t even bother to wipe his tears away, he just ugly cried without shame. He even started to grunt in despair and agony, he was so scared. They were going to wake-up and they would know his deepest secrets. It was the end of him and everything he fought for. He could only hope his damage control would be enough to save them.

“This is hopeless.” Subaru whispered to himself. “Eh???” without warning, Subaru felt Julius lightly squeeze him. He didn’t even notice that Julius broke off his death grip long ago and was just limply holding him until now.  
“Subaru…”  
“...” he said nothing as he heard Julius’ soft voice behind him.  
“Why did you lie to them?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Betting on a straw
> 
> I hope Subaru didn't make any mistake, it would end very badly for him. :)
> 
> Please keep giving me your feedback. I'm really trying to learn and get better. Please be patient with me in the meantime, I'm learning slowly but steadily.
> 
> Edit: corrected the numbering of the book, sorry :(


	4. Betting on a straw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A vow is taken.

Subaru was frozen in terror and shock, he should have celebrated his friend's awakening but he could only feel a weight being dropped on his stomach. Julius accused him of lying, did it mean that he was eavesdropping? If he was conscious since the beginning, why did he stay silent? It was impossible, the Julius he knew would never let Anastasia read one of those books. He would have, at least, strongly advised her against it... but he said nothing. He didn’t even move an inch during their conversation, he didn’t give away any signs of awareness or consciousness. 

“Please, do not think I was spying on you. I only came back to my senses while you were crying.” Julius said softly, his voice was hoarse as if speaking was painful for him.   
“Did you?” Subaru did not distrust him but the situation was too dangerous to let his guard down.   
“I’m sorry." he paused, talking was exhausting. “It was as if I could hear you, but you could not reach me and I could not reach you.” his mind was still hazy. “Now that I can think about what I heard you say, I’m starting to piece things back together.”  
“And what did you piece back together?” 

Subaru needed to know what Julius heard and above all: what book he read. The book he took didn’t leave an empty sloth on the shelf and the books were too tilted to accurately guess. All Subaru knew it must have been between the fight with ‘The White Whale’ and Pristella’s siege. All of these loops were bad news, especially if Julius drew the one where he had been possessed by Petelgeuse. The one where he had begged Julius to kill him. Then there would be no way to get away with 'Return by Death' and everybody would be eaten by the witch. 

“I-I read one of the nameless books…” his voice was trembling. “And then... and then I woke up on the library’s floor but both my body and mind were paralyzed. I did not even understand where I was, all I knew was that I was surrounded by so many voices.”  
“I see.” did he just skip what happened in the book? Could it be that he didn’t remember it? If it was true, then Subaru owed everything to whoever heard his prayers.   
“Then I heard you say that you had this blessing… about coming back from the dead.” Julius shook his head, even thinking was grueling. “Then you gave them some of the books to read and they accepted. Am I… Am I wrong?”   
“Not at all.” Subaru thought about lying, but it would only delay the truth.   
“Thank you…” he blinked a few times to gather his thoughts. “But then I don’t understand...” he sounded distressed. “What we lived through d-d-didn’t make any sense.” 

Julius’ head was about to explode and he could almost feel his boiling brain running out of his eyes and nose. Even though he could (barely) speak, his vision was still blurry and Subaru’s voice felt so distant. It was as if his head was trapped inside an aquarium, even breathing was a challenge. 

He could hardly keep his eyes open, but he had a lot to ‘recover’ from. For a time, he thought that he would never get better. He thought that he was trapped forever in his own agonizing body. Unable to hear, or see, or even feel… only able to live the same moment over and over again. As if his mind and the universe around him were endlessly stuttering without ever moving forward. Ensnared in a timeless state of being where he was not even sure who he was. 

He shook his head, it was over now. He knew where he was, he could feel the ground under his feet and the wall against his back. He could tell he was sitting, he could tell he was breathing. He was safe, he was himself. He was holding Subaru in his arms, even though it was childish he could not bring himself to let him go just yet. He was afraid that it would push back in the pit of senseless agony he could swear he died in. And even though he was back in his body, he felt more like a ghost than a living being. He still had the impression he was lagging behind time and was being out of sync with the world around him. Feeling Subaru’s body against him anchored him to reality and no matter how pathetic it was, he still needed the other’s presence. Madness was still looming over him after all. 

“Inside this book, we were one.” maybe he needed to touch Subaru to be sure they were still two separate people “You and I.”   
“...” Subaru had nothing to say.  
“Please, answer me.” Julius whined, he needed to hear his voice too. He felt miserable.   
“I don’t know what to say… You read one of my books, yes. But I-I don’t even know which one!” 

Subaru’s heart was utterly broken, he felt so lost on what to do. It wasn’t even about keeping ‘Return by Death’ a secret anymore, he just wanted to stop hurting his friend. Julius had been shattered by what he lived through and all Subaru could do was pick up what was left of him. He wanted to help Julius but he felt like his very presence only broke him further. 

“But if you don’t want to talk about it’s fine!” 

Subaru was more than aware that he needed to know what Julius saw. If he didn’t, nothing would keep Julius from understanding the mechanism of ‘Return by Death’ and it would attract the witch's wrath. Despite the stakes, Subaru could not bring himself to force the truth out of the poor knight, he was in such a fragile state, it would be nothing short of torture. Julius was virtually begging for help and reassurance, how could Subaru act cold-blooded enough to intentionally hurt him? How could he go on knowing that he did to Julius? 

“Truth be told, I think I need to. I do not know if I make any sense… but I need to say it out loud. I need you to tell me that I am not going insane.” the last demand might be futile, he definitely went insane. “Is that fine with you?”   
“Of course.” Subaru wondered how Julius could be so polite even in this situation.   
“Thank you… Two things confuse me: what happened before and what happened as we met them.”   
“Who?” Subaru didn’t know if Julius used the first person plural because it was easier or because he was still affected by the power of the book of the dead.   
“The…” Julius bit his tongue, he was afraid that just saying their name was enough to bring them back. “Them.” his mind flashed back to when he 'met' them. “So many of them, all of them, everywhere.” he couldn’t say it. “They were everywhere and we were nowhere. I know I sound mad but, but-” he felt like his tongue was made of lead, he couldn’t move it anymore.  
“You’re not mad, I was there too. I think I know what you're talking about.”   
“...” 

Julius said nothing, he couldn’t anymore, the few words he said about them drained him of all the energy he had left. Instead, he started to cry silently, he didn’t want to but he was too weak to stop. He was relieved he couldn’t see Subaru’s face because he would be dying of shame otherwise. Even when his mind was melting, he was still worried about decorum, he was still himself in the end. It was reassuring, yes, but not enough to stop his tears or stuttered breathing. In fact, it made it worse, he was now crying both from agony and relief. 

Subaru let Julius cry as much as he needed, he didn't say anything and he was sure Julius preferred it that way. He could feel Julius’ nose tingle the nape of his neck as he spasmed between snobs. He felt powerless, all he could do was offer his sympathy, they had lived the same things, after all. Julius was the only human being to know what he felt that day, all the other fools who met their fate were dead. Could Subaru say that a small part of him was happy to have found somebody who could understand him? It was selfish and cruel, but it was true. He wanted to tear off his own heart for feeling that way but he could not stop himself. He wasn’t alone in his fate anymore.

“How can you stay the same after what happened to us.” Julius managed to find back his voice between his sobbings.   
“I did not and I will never be.” it was hard to admit it. “And I’m sorry to say it, but you will never be the same, either.” he felt like he was kicking a sick puppy, but Julius needed to hear it.   
“Thank you.”  
“For what???” Julius was losing him, he didn’t do anything.  
“For telling me the truth.” 

It was weird to be thanked for telling the truth when he spent the last hour lying his ass off. The girls were still unconscious on the floor. Reading the book of people you were close with must be harder than reading the one of an acquaintance. Subaru had no proof for it but the more he learned about himself, the deeper his connection to his books felt. Maybe it was just a ‘reading your own book’ thing, but he didn’t think so. The poor Emilia, Beatrice, and Ram were going to suffer a great deal. 

“Now, could you please continue…”  
“Continue to do what?” Subaru returned his attention toward Julius.   
“To tell me the truth. I still have a big question, after all.”  
“Ah.” they were getting so emotional, Subaru forgot Julius still had something to say.   
“There were a lot of things I didn’t understand.” Julius was starting to regain parts of his composure, his eyes were still wet but his voice was steady. “Where we were, why we woke up next to an unconscious Lady Emilia, what we talked about in the house… Don’t even get me started about what we were supposed to do or why Garfiel hated us.” weren’t Subaru and Garfiel good friends? “And not a single word out of Roswaal's mouth made sense.”  
“...” he feared what Julius would say next.  
“But the worst, the worst anomaly in this madness was Otto.”  
“Otto???” that was unexpected.  
“Yes, Otto Suwen.”  
“I know who Otto is!” he just wanted Julius to drop whatever bomb he had in store.   
“Yes... Because if you have this god-like blessing, I know Otto can’t. And we saw him die. There is no mistake about it, he died in front of us.”  
“Hahaha.” he was so fucked. “Are you sure? You never know... when you're in the moment, when adrenaline is pump-”  
“I am.” his voice grew cold and sharp. “Otto and all the men with him, they died. I’ve seen death, I’ve lived the battlefield, you cannot lie to me.” 

The worst-case scenario became true, Julius was putting the pieces back together. Otto was dead and now he wasn’t. And he had no explanation for that. It wasn’t even just Otto, half the Arlam village’s men died in that loop. Julius knew that Otto was still alive when they departed from Pristella and he knew that the Arlam village’s inhabitants were safe and sound, he asked about their safety after the Petelgeuse’s incident. 

There were no explanations except mass resurrection or time-travel. Both were more outlandish than the other, but only the latter was the truth and thus deadly. But he couldn’t declare himself a necromancer, even Ferris wasn’t a necromancer. He may be close but he wasn’t one. He could prove himself a time-traveler but ‘Time travel + Return from the dead’ sounded way too close to ‘Return by death’ for his peace of mind. Even Roswaal was aware of only one of those two. 

Betting everybody’s life on a play on words that wouldn’t trigger the ‘Witch of Envy’ was too risky even for him. But did he even have the choice? Was a lousy loop-hole really his last ace? The ‘Witch of Envy’ was not a lawyer, who knew if she even cared about vices of the procedure. Maybe the devil would, there were a lot of stories about winning against him with a clever play on words. Now that he thought about it, they were gung ho about ‘contracts’ and promises in this world… So maybe, just maybe… 

Subaru wanted to scream, he was grasping at straws and he knew it. He was going to bet everybody's life on a straw. 

“Subaru. I am sorry but I need answers. For everything we went through together and the friendship I hope we share, I need answers.”   
“And what if you won’t like the answer?”   
“I don’t care.”  
“And what if the answer could kill all of us?”   
“...” 

The mood turned sour rapidly, Julius was starting to get impatient. Subaru would have thought he would humor him for a few minutes in the name of decorum, but Julius must have been too exhausted for that. Subaru needed to answer sooner rather than later, but for him even later was too soon. 

“Julius, I need to know what you think... for me to confirm it.” this was a baby first’s deflection tactic, but maybe Julius was still too half-asleep to catch on it.   
“What I think about it?”  
“Yes.” Subaru really wanted him to take the bait. It would be easier to start with what Julius gathered. Except if he guessed ‘Return by Death’ on the first try, then they were doomed.   
“I know Otto died but he is still alive, same with the villagers. And I know that you have unexplainable knowledge.”  
“...” it was over, they were doomed.  
“Before what happened here, I thought that you had some kind of precognition. It sounded too insane for me to really believe it, but I still thought about it.” he chuckled, how naive he was. “But even that would not be enough now. It’s not about seeing the future anymore, it’s about changing the past.”   
“...” it was double over. Subaru thought about throwing himself out of the window, it would be better than dragging things out.   
“But how? And if you can rewind time, why not save Rem from gluttony? Why not rewind before Pristella’s siege? Why not erase your shame at the royal selection” 

Julius was in front of the biggest enigma of his life. He always liked to try his mind on a good puzzle, but this one was too bizarre and absurd for him. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Altering the flow of time was nonsensical, yet it was the most logical explanation. But if Subaru could bend time to his will, why would he allow himself to lose so much? 

When Julius was backed into an intellectual corner, he always tried to think back to what he already knew. Except he felt like he knew nothing. He spent his life trying to sharpen his mind with puzzles and books, but this situation was just too unreal. Finding a solution explaining everything weird about Subaru seemed impossible. Inverting the flow of time even after death, knowing the unknowable, immunity to the witch cultist’s tricks, Miss Shaula insistence on hi-

Out of nowhere, an old memory resurfaced in Julius’ mind. Every passing second made his thoughts clearer and he now remembered the only time he read about time-bending in his life. It was in an old book, in a forgotten corner of the Great Royal Library. The librarian told him it was more of a fairytale about the three heroes than a historical record and Julius was ready to believe him, but now this book was his only hope to connect the dots. Even the royal library held next to nothing about ‘The Sage’ and those fairy tales were one of the only accounts of him. Most books glanced over him or didn’t even mention him at all. 

Basing a rational conclusion on a supposed fairy tale was grasping at straws and he knew it. But he had no other idea, no other explanation and it wouldn’t even be the craziest things about today. 

“There is this tale about ‘The Sage’ and his powers.” his theory was so out-there he had trouble talking about it. “They said that his power was so great, he was the only person who could live outside the influence of Od Laguna. They even said that this unique position gave him the power to reverse the flow of mana coming from it.”  
“...” he heard about Od Laguna, but it was still a mystery to him.   
“You see, by reversing the flow of mana, ‘The Sage’ could reverse the flow of time itself. Incredible, don’t you think?” even saying it felt astonishing. “And as own soul and Od existed outside Of Laguna’s dominion, he would remain unaffected by his own power. And as mana returns to Od Laguna after its consumption, maybe ‘The Sage’ could even do it from beyond the grave.”  
“...” dear God, if it was true then it made Flügel even more inexcusable.   
“What a charming tale, don’t you think?” Julius let all the tension in his body dissipate, he said what he had to say. “I imagine this feat was so exhausting that it couldn’t be used lightly. Even moving back a single hour must have required an incredible effort. But that's just speculation, maybe it was nothing for someone like ‘The Sage’.”  
“This man is beyond comprehension.” Subaru sighed.   
“And you are beyond comprehension too.” he chuckled. “What do you think of my explanation? Did I guess right? Am I wrong? Or maybe, even you don’t know…”   
“Me knowing nothing, that’s sound about right.” this was the truth, Subaru was protecting a secret he didn’t even understand. 

Julius started to laugh uncontrollably, how could he not after saying such nonsense with a serious face. But what was really hilarious, was that he started to believe his own absurd theory. This tower made him officially insane, he had his place in an asylum. ‘The Divine Dragon’ was senile, ‘The Great Hero’ was a sex offender, and ‘The Sage’...

“And ‘The Sage’ bequeathed his powers to you. Or part of it, at least, you are obviously not as powerful as him. Yet.” yes, Julius had become mad. To say that and believe it, only a madman could do it. “You can laugh at me now, it’s alright, it’s funny… I’m laughing too.” 

Subaru wasn’t laughing, he couldn’t. He would have started to believe Julius too, if he didn’t know what he knew. No matter what Shaula said, he couldn’t be related to ‘The Sage’. He was, unfortunately, related to the ‘Witch of Envy’ and Satella. ‘The Sage’ and the ‘Witch of Envy’ had to be incompatible, right? He wasn’t even sure what would be the worst: being blessed by Flügel or the 'Witch of Envy'? At least Satella was a sweet girl even if the ‘Witch of Envy’ was far from gentle. Her literally caressing his heart without his consent was borderline sexual harassment. 

After consideration, humoring Julius’ speculation might be the ‘get out of jail free card’ he had hoped for. The ‘Witch of Envy’ was a jealous witch, forbidding Subaru to even hint at their… ‘unique relationship’. Letting Julius pursue a red herring (at least, he hoped it was) could appease the witch’s jealousy. She could continue to molest his heart in impunity and he would get to live! What a deal! He would keep his victory over the tower, save his friend, and not get munched on by evil miasma. Or maybe the witch would crush them anyway. As dissatisfactory as it was, betting on Julius' theory was his only hope. 

“I’m gonna be honest.” said the dishonest man. “I’m fucking lost, I don’t understand a thing.” well, maybe he wasn’t as dishonest as he thought. “Believe me when I say I am no sage, I don’t want anything to do with Flügel.”  
“But?”   
“But I can’t deny anything you say.” Subaru was becoming an expert at dodging saying the truth, it almost scared him.   
“And you can’t confirm it??? I need a little help here, you can’t listen to me spouting absurdities and just say ‘I can’t deny it’...”   
“I would love to? But I can’t, I just can’t, believe me.” he had somebody ensuring his silence and even the mafia was not as cut-throat.   
“Could it be that you are under an unbreakable vow of silence?”  
“YES!” 

That overjoyed ‘yes’ came straight out of Subaru’s heart, he didn’t know what he did until after the fact. As soon as he understood his outburst, he clapped his hands over his mouth. The witch didn’t stop him from saying it, but maybe he had been too fast. 

“Julius! Are you ok?”   
“Yes, I feel somewhat better… Thanks for your concerns.” 

If she didn’t squeeze his heart or killed Julius, did it mean that the ‘Witch of Envy’ held no hard feelings against his little transgression? Was it a transgression? Subaru had enough of walking on thin ice. 

Subaru felt movement behind him, it was Julius letting him go (how long did they stay in that position) and trying to get up. But as soon as he stood up on his shaking legs, he fell on his knees. Subaru turned around to help Julius and noticed that he still looked ghastly, even after their little conversation. 

“Let me help you stand up.” Subaru put Julius’ arm over his shoulder and helped him back on his feet.   
“Thank you. But do not think you are off the hook.”   
“Oooh, come on.” 

The both of them walked slowly toward a nearby table, just next to the still asleep girls. Subaru installed Julius on one of the chairs as gently as he could, normally he would rather throw him on it, but Julius had suffered enough. He then sat in front of Julius on another chair afterward. Since today was his lucky day, he had the blessing to get to sit on the wobbly chair. 

“Thank you, again. Please forgive my weakness, I still can’t feel my legs just right.”  
“Don’t worry. It’s not as if it was the first time I had to carry your lazy ass.” Julius raised an eyebrow at Subaru’s comment. “What? It’s the truth, you said you wanted it.”   
“Banter won’t save you. I won’t forget what we just talk about easily.”  
“And I thought we were on the same page on the ‘not being able to talk about it’ thing.” he just wanted a break free from this endless interrogation.   
“The nature of your power and your relation with ‘The Sage’ is one thing. What you do with it is another.”   
“What I do with it??? I try my best, that’s what I do with it!” Subaru stood up and slammed his hands on the table, he had enough.  
“I believe you when you said that. I do not doubt the honesty of your intentions.”   
“Then… What do you want?”   
“The thing that bothers me is how you persist in doing everything alone. You can share your knowledge, in fact, you already did multiple times. You won’t fool me.” he shook his head. “But you constantly choose to hide half of it so you can carry the burden alone.”  
“But-”  
“Shhhhhhhhhhh.” he snapped his finger at Subaru. “No buts! I won’t scold you for your past behavior, but I will no longer tolerate it.”   
“Julius you don’t understand…”  
“Then explain it to me. Your time as a lone hero is over. You have me in your confidence now.”  
“...” Subaru looked away, he couldn’t bear Julius' serious gaze.  
“And I trust you. You can tell me everything your vow permits.”

Julius used all his remaining strength to slowly stand up and walk toward Subaru. He then carefully put a single knee on the ground and took one of Subaru’s shaking hands. He looked at Subaru until the other man found the courage to look back. 

“On my honor as a knight and on my pride as a friend. I swear to never doubt your words and vow to share your burden. For your intentions are true. I will assist you in all your endeavors. If you let me be your sword and your confident, then I will follow you until beyond the great waterfalls.”

Subaru said nothing, his jaw was weld shut and even his eyes couldn’t open. The only sign of him listening to Julius’ oath was the tears running down his cheeks. Julius got up, using the table for stability.

“You are no longer alone, Natsuki Subaru.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Natsuki Subaru??? 
> 
> There it is! Please tell me what you think of it! Your comments give me life and your critisims help me better myself.


	5. Natsuki Subaru???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emilia meets a new old friend.

The ground was hard and cold, it was sapping away all of their remaining heat. Everything warm in them was leaving their body, slowly yet too fast. It was running out of their stomach, but their hands were useless at stopping the leak. They just grew colder and colder. It was hopeless, they would never feel warm again. 

And they were alone, there were people with them before but they all ran away. It was all their fault, yet they ran away. Watching them fade in the distance, their vision became blurry. Rapidly they could see nothing but the bag in front of them, all they had left were a collection of random worthless items. They were no-one with them, there was nothing in them, they were barely themselves anymore.

As they twitched on the floor, helpless trying to move but only pathetically twitching, they heard two voices in the distance. Those voices were familiar yet they didn’t know who they belonged to. As the voices grew closer, they became aware of something strange: one of those voices belonged to them. They could hear their own voice, yet they were not talking. 

“There is nothing we can do but wait?”   
“It’s hard to watch, I know.”

Waiting? Waiting for what? For them to entirely empty themselves? 

“Was I like that too?”   
“You were worse.” 

Who was worse? Their own voice was saying that they were worse? Truth be told, they were right, they felt like the worst. 

“It only makes my resolve harder.”  
“Say that again when you don’t look like an anemic ghost.”

One of voice’s resolve was strong, but theirs was wavering. They could barely feel the ground under them anymore. Their hands couldn’t feel the rough stones of the street anymore. They didn’t know where they were anymore. 

“What can I say, they ate the color off my face.”   
“Already joking about it! You're recovering scary fast Julius.” 

‘Julius’ was recovering fast and their own life was dissipating as fast. Maybe ‘Julius’ was the one stealing it away. Maybe they should ask their own voice about it. 

“Talk about yourself, Subaru. You are the scary one between us.”   
“Don’t call me scary!” 

Subaru… Their voice was Subaru? They were Subaru? No… that didn’t sound right. They were not Subaru, yet they were. Subaru, Subaru, Subaru. Not Subaru, not Subaru, not Subaru. The name felt right in their mind but it was still foreign to them. Both familiar and alien at the same time. 

“But you are. And knowing ‘The Sage’ chose a blockhead like you as his successor is even scarier.”  
“Tch. I am not his successor. I’m not ‘The Sage’, I’m Emilia’s knight!”

Emilia… Yes, that was what they were missing. They were not just Subaru, they were Subaru and Emilia. Emilia and Subaru. And they were on the hard, cold ground… leaking warmth. 

“Maybe I should call you ‘Honorable Sage’ now.”   
“Don’t associate me with this bastard! Don’t. Call. Me. ‘The Sage’. Tch.”  
“As you wish, honorable Flügel.”   
“Fuck you. I thought you said you were on my side!”

They were not ‘The Sage’ or ‘Flügel’... Julius was lying. They were Subaru and Emilia. Emilia and Subaru. She and He were They. 

“I am. Please, never doubt it again.”

Julius was on his side? That meant that Julius was on her side too. She and He had Julius on their side. But She and He were still on the ground. If Julius was on their side, why did he let them empty themselves of all their warmth on the ground? 

“No need to look at me with such intensity!”  
“Then never doubt my oath to you again.”  
“Why did you have to make an oath? You always had a flair for the dramatic.” 

An oath to She and He? No, there was no oath to She, only to He. So She and He were not the same, together yet not the same. She or He? Who was She and who was He?

“You were the one to push me to such extremes. Please believe that I do not take this kind of thing lightly.”  
“I know…”  
“If you know, then I beg you, do not fight against me. Tell me everything that can be said or even hinted at.”  
“It’s not that easy. I would love to, but it’s not that easy.”   
“I never said it was easy. Even if there is no spell this time, we are connected once again. I am willing to close my eyes, please do your best to be my sight.”   
“...”  
“...”  
“I will.” 

The voice was He. So only She remained. She was She then. She was Emilia, together with Subaru but she was only Emilia. And she was still on the cold, hard ground. But she was no longer leaking warmth. Subaru must be the one growing cold then. 

She opened her eyes, her blurry vision became sharper with every blink and soon she could see what was in front of her. A tiny girl with beautiful blonde hair and in her limp arms was a black book way too big for her. Beatrice, it was Beatrice. Emilia tried to move to see around her, but her body refused to. Her moving eyes only allowed her to see Beatrice and the ceiling. She chose to look at Beatrice. 

The little spirit seemed in great pain, her face was grey and her closed eyes shed tears. Emilia wondered what happened to her. Ah yes, it was the book. The book of the dead to be exact. No, she could be more precise: His book of the dead. 

She was Emilia and He was Subaru, They both had been in the book. Now, She was on the ground but He was not leaking warmth. She could hear his voice, it was too warm to be cold. She wanted to see him, she missed being together but she couldn’t move. But were they really separated? She heard him at her right but she had the sensation that he was inside her. If not inside, then directly above her. 

“The book you gave them, were they like mine?”  
“Like yours? Well, the destination is the same, but the way there is different. I may be bad enough to be forced into… that, but I won’t throw them to the wolves.”  
“So it should be quick? Lady Anastasia won’t have to…”   
“Don’t worry, Julius. In her mind, she will peacefully fall asleep and wake up with her knight by her side. I died in my sleep in this one.”  
“Good. Thank you for watching out for her.”  
“I wouldn't call what I did watch out for her.”   
“I know it’s less than ideal, but she is safe from pain, at least.”

They were in pain before, but now Subaru was not in pain and Emilia was not either. She and He didn’t suffer, only They did but They were no more. She was Emilia and thus not in pain anymore. Her mind was caught in circular thinking, her mind could barely hold on its own. She missed Subaru. She missed him by her side. But now, Subaru was the voice, the far-away voice. 

“Maybe you should sleep too. Staying awake won't help, it's not as if you could do anything anyway.”  
“I would if you didn't look so lost. I fear living you alone right now would do more harm than good.”  
“I look lost, eh...”  
“Very much so.”  
“You wanted to be honest, so I’m going to say it. I’m so damn scared, I-I-I fear the worst and I’m absolutely powerless to stop it. You think I have power, but it’s that thing that has power over me.”   
“Is it th-”  
“Please, don’t say it.” 

Emilia had been wrong. That voice was Subaru but that voice was not He. He was Subaru but He was not the voice. The Subaru from the They and the Subaru from outside were not the same. The Subaru from outside was far away, The Subaru from the They was with her. She could feel his touch, she could hear his voice.

[Hey, can you tell me your name?] 

Emilia was still paralyzed on the floor, but when she moved her eyes toward the ceiling, she saw Subaru, the Subaru that was They with her. She could feel his touch, hear his voice, and see his face. And now, the Subaru far away sounded the same but different.

[Hey, can you tell me your name?] he smiled at her.

Subaru was on all fours, just over her. One of his hands was on the ground next to her face, the second one was cupping her cheek. His touch was warm, his voice was warm, his eyes were warm. 

[Hey, can you tell me your name?] he asked again, but his eyes held no trace of impatience. [I’m sorry about calling you Satella.] he looked away. [I don’t know where it came from. Nobody told me that this name was disgraceful… Would you believe me if I said I thought you were an angel?]

Did he call her Satella? She had no memory of that, she just remembered that they were on the cold, hard ground, leaking warmth. But now she was Emilia and Emilia had a thousand memories, but none of Subaru calling her Satella. 

[I’m sorry to insist but I really want to know your name.]   
“There are things and names that should never be spoken of.”

The Subaru by her side and the Subaru far away both spoke at the same time. What were the differences between the two? She knew they were not in the same place, but their voices were the same.

[It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me. I shouldn’t have been so insistent.]  
“There are things that Emilia should be protected from.” 

One knew her name, the other asked her for it. One of the thousands of memories in Emilia’s brain resurfaced. She remembered that Subaru wanted to know her name, even though he seemed to already know her. Emilia dove deeper in her memories and the full scene of their first meeting unrevealed in front of her, and from there, her mind bubbled from reminiscence.

She could feel her body twitching with every memory coming back to her. The more she remembered, the more her body returned to her control. And when the final one, the one where she sat in the library with a heavy book in hand, reached her, she could move her hands as she pleased. 

The first thing she wanted to do was to touch one of Subaru’s hands. He looked quite sad, she couldn't answer him yet but she wished to show him her acknowledgment of him. She was lying on the side, facing Beatrice's little body. There was one of his hands on her face and the other one on the ground just next to her, she summoned all the power in her body to touch the latter with her hand. She could feel both his hands now, it made her a little happier. 

[Are- Are you holding my hand?] Subaru was awestruck. [I thought you were mad at me. But maybe you are just too tired to talk ?] his eyes were oozing of sympathy. [Maybe I should leave you alone to rest.] 

No! She tensed her neck muscles and tried her hardest to shake her head. It felt so heavy, she could barely move it an inch back and forth, but as long as she could make him stay, it was worth it. Now that she remembered reading the book of the dead, she understood what made this Subaru different from the one in the distance. She met the first one in the book and the second in reality. 

[You want me to stay? After failing you and calling you names? You truly are an angel!] Subaru seemed to rejoice in the idea of his angel wanting his company.

Even though only one came from the reality everybody shared, the Subaru that came from the book felt as real to her. They lived a life together, they were one together. Even now that their shared soul decanted, they were still linked to each other. And this Subaru felt dear to her in another way that the Subaru who lived in reality. Maybe their souls were still intertwined? 

“My Emilia is an angel after all! She must be protected! She is E.M.T!”   
[The voice can say all he wants, you are the true angel here!] Subaru held the voice in contempt. [We share a voice, but he has no taste!] he rolled his eyes. 

Emilia almost laughed, her Subaru didn’t know that they both talked about her. It seemed that he couldn’t see the other Subaru or else he would have recognized him or at least shoot daggers with his eyes at him. Maybe he could only see what she could see? He was real to her, but the book cannot give him a real body so maybe he was dependent on her to interact with reality? In that case, she hoped she wouldn’t disappoint him. 

[I’m sure this Emilia doesn’t hold a candle to you!] 

She forgot why the Subaru from the book didn’t know her name and remembering it punched her in the gut. He died before she could tell him. He talked about failing her, but he died to save her. She met him before once, but since he innocently called her ‘Satella’ she didn’t pay attention to him. She was so used to receive hate from every side, she didn't notice the one time she met kind eyes in the street. 

He bled to death alone in an unknown alley for her and she thanked him by forgetting him. 

And now, he was asking yet again for her name. Equal to himself, all he asked was her name so he wouldn't hurt her again. And she couldn’t even give it to him this time, she tried to move her lips but no sound came, her vocal cords refused to work. 

[Sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t cry! Is this Emilia a friend of yours? Did I insult one of your friends? I’m sorry I keep messing up.] Subaru tried to wipe her tears, and even though she felt his hand caressing her face, the tears stayed. [I’m sorry, I can’t even do that to help you. I’m so sorry.] he looked so distraught. 

His distress only made her cry more which broke his heart, even more, it was a vicious cycle Emilia made herself. All she needed to do was dry her tears to make him feel better, but she was failing him again. She forgot him, let him die for her, she couldn’t give him her name, she made him feel sad. This Subaru lived for less than an hour and she already hurt him four times. 

Another realization struck her and another one after. They only shared less than an hour in the book. That meant that Subaru died twice in one hour. The second one was her fault, was the first one too? Did she let him die twice? But seeing the other books next to her reminded her that those two deaths were nothing but stones in a tower of agony. Anastasia said that he died on average twice a year but she was wrong, so painfully wrong. 

[Trust me, if I could do something I would.] he started to cry too. Emilia felt his tears crash on her face. 

Subaru gave her the third book and they were in chronological order, which meant he died more than forty times since they met. He died forty-time in little more than a year. The only thing that happened between those two phases of his life was meeting Emilia. He died once because of her and has never stopped since. 

[I wish I was stronger, then I wouldn’t be so powerless.]

And the Subaru who died forty-five times was as nice to her as the one who died thrice. Worse, the one who died forty-five times said he was madly in love with her. He gave her unconditional love and she fed him poison and pain. The image of Julius agonizing on the floor flashed in her mind, his shaking body, his twitching face, his unfocused gaze. She put Subaru through that too. She made him miserable and only offered her lap to rest on for compensation. And he never asked for more. 

[I always knew I was worthless but I always hoped I could change. But-but-but…] Subaru stuttered too much to finish his sentence. 

He suffered so much while she was riding the high of his unconditional love. A taste of his death shattered her mind and he still fought to let her taste happiness. She didn’t even know what she put him through, his pain remained unrecognized. And he never asked her to. 

[I know I am being selfish by asking that… But please forgive me. Please forgive me for hurting you.] he was begging her. 

She needed to know the extent of her monstrosity. She needed to live herself what she put him through. She needed to atone for her sins. She needed to become someone who could understand his pain. She needed to know exactly how much she owned him. She needed to pay her endless debt to him. She needed to have a taste at what she force-feed him. 

But she could never be as kind and loving as he was. She could never do for him what he did for her. She could never reward his virtues accordingly. She could never have his resilience. She could never give him as much as he gave her. She could never be as selfless as he was. She could never be as strong as he was. 

She was a leech living on the shoulder of an angel. She could never be more than a leech and he would never be anything less than an angel. Because nothing could stop her from bleeding him dry and nothing could stop his endless love. 

But she had to try because that was all she could do. It was a punishment for her sinful nature and the only way to honor his gifts. 

[Do… Do you think people can change?] he put his burning forehead on the side of her head. [That if they try hard enough… they can become a little better?] she could feel his breath on her cheek. [Even if they are the worst?] 

Emilia had the book next to Beatrice in her sight, it was the key to her redemption. The next step needed to become the one he deserved, even though she would never be good enough. She put all her strength and will in her arm and move it slowly toward the book. She blinked a hundred times to wash away the tears clouding them. 

She knew that the Subaru living in the physical world was near, she could still hear his voice in the distance. She knew he would stop her or that he would die trying. She could not let that happen, she would not make him pay once more. She moved her hand slowly focusing on not making a sound, it was hard to ignore the Subaru crying near her face but she had to do it. She had to take a little more to give back everything she could. 

Her hand was only an inch away from the book. 

Julius put his head in his hands, waiting for the girls to wake up was pure torture. He would have loved to carry his lady to a bed rather than leaving her on the floor, but he was too weak to carry even himself. He asked Subaru to do it in his stead, but he refused to leave the girls and him alone. Julius understood where he came from, but it didn’t make him feel any better. 

The tip of her finger brushed against the book. 

Subaru looked at the poor Julius who was still in great pain. He tried to play though, but he felt his legs shaking under the table. Sometimes Julius would flinch out of nowhere and put one of his hands on his torso or his arms. It still happened to Subaru sometimes, when he felt them crawl under his skin. He would love to tell Julius that he would soon forget about what happened, but it would be a lie. 

She reached the book and slid one of her fingers between the pages. 

When Julius felt something move inside his stomach, he wanted to keep himself from flinching but he failed to. Every odd sensation in his body made him fear their return. It was foolish but it was stronger than him, he couldn’t get his mind away from this irrational fear. He would ask Subaru how he did to stop feeling that way, but he knew Subaru would only lie to comfort him. It was obvious that it would never stop. 

With a flick of her finger, she flipped open the book. 

Subaru played with his fingers to stop staring at Emilia and the others. Julius was right, standing over them would not make them wake up faster, it only made time feel even slower. Still, he was restless, he was afraid of what was going to happen when they woke up but waiting was pure torture. He wanted to face his fate already. At least he would have Julius on his side, he could ask him to back him up. It was weird to think of Julius as his greatest ally, but he didn’t have the strength to deny his trust in him. However, he couldn’t rely entirely on the knight, the man still so fragile. 

She took a deep breath and raised her head to see the content of the book. 

Julius’ spirits told him there were some movements behind him: Emilia had awakened and started to stand up. He turned his head to see her and Subaru did too. He even got up to greet Emilia back in the land of the living and soothe her after dying with him in the book. He started to mentally rehearse what he decided to tell her when he saw the book next to Emilia: it was open and she had her hand on it. 

“NO!”   
[No?]

Emilia took a good look at the pages of the book and her head fell back on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Odysseus.
> 
> Thank you for reading this far <3\. The next chapter may or may not be late because life caught back to me, but I plan on running away from it again very soon~.


	6. Odysseus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anastasia sees the sea for the first time in her life.

Being stuck in the Greenroom was as boring as Meili predicted, all she could do was watch Rem sleep and talk to Patrasche. She didn’t want to insult Patrasche but the ground dragon didn’t have the best small talk skills in the world. But at least she moved and reacted when talked to, while Rem was as comatose as ever. Not that it was the poor girl’s fault but the consequences were the same: Even Not-Shaula the scorpion was no fun, Meili was dying of boredom.

At first, she was extremely envious of Emilia and the others for being able to read one of those books of the dead. Not only it was those of somebody she knew, but they were Subaru's and he had forty-five of them! There must have been some juicy stuff in those books. But now that she had time to think, she was glad to escape Julius’ fate. Not being in the library anymore helped a great deal, she could swear that it was enchanted to push people to read the books. She couldn’t guess why it would, but the urge she felt in the library was too strong to be natural. 

Meili was still trying to solve the mysteries of the library when the door of the Greenroom opened violently. She almost took on a fighting stance (not that it would have helped her fight off anyone) but she then saw that it was only Subaru, who was carrying Emilia on his back. The girl was unconscious and Subaru seemed uncharacteristically livid. 

“Did something happen?” Meili tried to take a good look at Emilia to understand why Subaru was so pissed off, but she seemed as fine as one can be when unconscious.   
“I’m dumb as fuck, that’s what happened.” if he didn’t have his hands full, he would have facepalmed himself.   
“Ah.” she didn’t dare to ask any more questions but she should have known he was mad at himself, that was who he always blamed after all. 

Subaru gently put Emilia’s sleeping body on one of the beds before sitting next to her. He still had so much to do but he needed to catch his breath, those stairs didn’t get any shorter since the last time… they were going to be the death of him (again). At least he could use this little break to see how Rem was doing, she was still sleeping safe and sound. Under normal circumstances, he would have been disappointed to see that she was still comatose but her awakening would be too much to handle right now. He had ninety-nine problems and being the dumbest man on earth was his biggest one. 

“Don’t look so sad~” Meili tried to cheer him up. “Nobody's dead so you can’t have messed up that bad.” after the disaster that was the conquest of the tower, the bar had been pretty low.   
“Nobody's dead... yet.” he put his face in his hands. “I keep making stupid mistakes after stupid mistakes. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t so dumb before.”   
“You’re too hard on yourself, brother~” plus he always had been dumb, he forgave her even after she tried to kill thrice after all. “Everybody makes mistakes when under stress… and you were under a lot of stress. Ram was about to tear your head off so Anastasia could sell it to the highest bidder. If she would have gone for the head, of course~” she tried to joke but Subaru was not amused.   
“But I’m used to it, I should be better than that.”   
“Last time I was under a lot of stress I almost pushed you off the stairs, soooooooo~” she paused. “I can’t blame you. You can’t have worse problem-solving skills than me.” 

Patrasche stood alert as she saw her master wallow in sadness, she was still exhausted after running away from the scary Gluttony child but she had to help her master. She slowly walked toward her master, he was on the verge of tears but she knew how to make him feel a little better. She nuzzled her face on his neck and licked his tears away and she would continue to do so until he would stop crying. 

“Patrasche!” he tried to move his head away but she pursued him. “Please this is serious, you can’t just lick my problems away.”  
“If she can't, maybe I can.” Meili stuck her tongue as a threat.   
“Ok, ok, ok.” Subaru took Patrasche’s head in his arms. “I get it, thank you.” he looked at Meili. “Both of you.” 

He didn’t deserve them but Subaru was glad to have them by his side. Patrasche was god-given and Meili worked really hard to become a better person, he was proud to count them as friends. It was a shame he was really bad at protecting them. With enough mental gymnastics, he could say that what happened in the tower was not his fault, but the whole 'Books debacle' absolutely was. In retrospect, he should have done things differently but it was too late now and he had to deal with the aftermaths. 

“Sooooo, what happened.” she sat next to him.   
“Julius woke up just after the girls dived in the books.”   
“And how is he???” she was legitimately concerned, Julius looked on the verge of death.  
“He is exhausted and really weak but he is safe.” Subaru felt bad about leaving him behind but after what happened, leaving Emilia in the library was impossible.  
“Gwaaaaa!” Patrasche growled in joy. She didn’t understand everything but they seemed relieved, so she was relieved too.   
“And what happened afterward?”  
“We started talking and I forgot to pick up the book off the floor…” it would have taken ten seconds and kept this disaster from happening.   
“And???” what happened to the books? Were they destroyed?   
“Emilia woke up from her readings and… And looked at Beatrice’s book behind our backs.”   
“Oh…” 

So Emilia betrayed her promise and read another one. And she didn’t even wait for everybody to wake up, she just straight up stole Beatrice’s book. If Meili needed any more proof of the library’s evil influence, it was it. The importance of promises and vows were cornerstones of Lugunican culture and Emilia, more than anyone, abided by it. So for her to break one so nonchalantly, she must have been out of her mind. This tower was definitely the most sinful place in the world. It was as if Shaula didn’t protect the tower from the outside world, but the outside world from the tower. 

“So whatcha gonna do? You can’t exactly destroy them, don’t you?” it was a real question, what would happen if they did? Burning the book of someone dead sounded dangerous enough, so doing it to Subaru’s…   
“I thought about it, but Julius slapped me when I proposed it. Dude doesn't have the energy to stand but he has no problem almost KOing me.”  
“Truth be told, you are very easy to KO~” he was part of the non-combatants, Julius could probably beat him while half asleep (which he did apparently)  
“He said next time he hears me saying something so stupidly dangerous he would kick my head off.” he sighed “Exhaustion makes him violent, it seems.” he stroked his cheek, he could still feel Julius’ hand on it.   
“No, it’s your death-wish that makes him violent.”  
“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW” Patrasche roared toward the ceiling.   
“Looks like Patrasche agrees~” 

Worrying about him was nice and all, but they were the ones taking unnecessary risks. As long as those books existed so did the temptation to read them. And if anyone happened to read one of the ‘bad’ ones, then it would be the death of them all. However, they were right by fearing what might happen if they destroyed one of the books. Maybe nothing would happen, maybe the whole tower would collapse on itself, maybe ‘The Sage’ had put a curse on them, maybe Volcanica itself would punish them for it. They were linked to Od Laguna, they had to have something protecting their integrity. 

“Anyway… Patrasche, how are you feeling?”   
“Gya!” she licked him in response. As long as he was safe, she would be fine.   
“Glad to hear it!” he patted her head. “Then... could you help me carry Emilia and the others?”   
“Gyaaaaa!” she licked him again in agreement.  
“I’m sorry to ask so much of you. You deserved all the rest in the world and here I am overworking you.” he really wanted to do it without her, but he still had Anastasia, Ram, and Beatrice to bring here. And that was not even taking Julius into consideration…   
“Gy-gy-gyaaaaaah!” Patrasche lifted Subaru’s body with her head and put him on her back.   
“Hold on!” after being manhandled by Patrashe, he slid off her head and neck to stop on her back. Which would have been fine if he wasn’t facing the wrong way.   
“Goooood girl~! Show him who’s the boss!” Meili slapped Patrasche’s side.  
“Gyaaah!” she raised her head proudly.   
“Of course, it’s you~” 

Patrasche licked Meili’s face to thank her and went on her way. She looked behind her one last time to see the little girl waving them goodbye and raced through the corridors and stairs. She wanted to be strong for Subaru, but she was really tired and still recovering from her wounds. So she gathered all her courage to do her task as quickly as possible, then she could rest easy. If Subaru asked for her help, it meant he had no other choices, she couldn’t let him down. 

Subaru was surprised by Patrasche’s vitality, she was climbing those stairs as if it was nothing. He was really lucky to have her, with her help they could carry the three girls in one single trip. And if Lady Luck was with them, Julius would be able to come with them. But who was he kidding? Of course, Lady Luck wasn’t with them, she wanted them dead. 

Fortunately, their trip to the library had been uneventful and they reunited with Julius quickly. As expected, Julius looked as ghastly as he did before Subaru left but at least he was still safe and relatively sound. 

“You brought Patrasche with you?” Julius bowed slightly to the earth dragon, he would have bowed lower if he didn’t feel like it would make him fall on the floor. “Thank you for your help.”   
“Raaaaaah.” seeing the poor knight’s face made Patrasche recoiled. He broke her little dragon’s heart. She would lick him back to shape too, but she was afraid it would hurt him.   
“Do not worry for me, I’m just a little… tired.” he looked at his feet, everybody here knew it was a lie.   
“Did you put the books back on shelves?” Subaru felt bad for asking that when Julius was so exhausted, but it was an important question.   
“Yes… And after we bring the ladies back to the Greenroom, we should hide them away.” he should have done it as soon as he woke up. “To avoid another incident.”   
“Maybe we should even dest-”   
“...” Julius looked at Subaru with incredible fury.   
“Ok, ok… I was just saying.”  
“Gyaah!” Patrasche hit Subaru with the end of her tail. She didn’t need to understand him to know he said something stupid. 

Not wanting to attract any more of his friends’ ire, Subaru got off Patrasche without saying a word. He took Anastasia in his arms and put her on Patrasche’s back, she seemed fine enough. His death by the curse was peaceful enough, he was fast asleep when it hit and it didn’t even wake him up. The second time the curse hit him, however, had been another story. He never had felt so ill in his life and each step he took under the curse was pure agony. Rem ending him was almost a relief… almost. It had been like being sandwiched between Charybdis and Scylla. 

Subaru would have never thought he would relate to Odysseus one day… He didn’t know if he should be proud or not. 

After securing Anastasia on Patrashe’s saddle, he put Ram right behind her. She looked in an absurd amount of pain, which was unexpected. He didn’t remember feeling any when Sirius indirectly killed him. He would have taken a peek in her book to make sure nothing was wrong, but Julius had already put them back on the shelves. 

“Julius, do you remember where you put Ram’s book?” she shouldn’t be in so much agony, it was not normal.   
“Ah… I’m sorry, I don’t really remember. Should I have?” he had been in too much of a daze to pay attention to where he put it among the other books.   
“No, it’s ok…” he must have underestimated what happened in this loop. It was too late to do anything anyway. It was just another mistake on his part, and it was his friend who paid for it. Again. “Wait for me to move the whole collection, though.”  
“As you wish.” 

Julius would have helped Subaru put the girls on Patrasche’s back, but he was already reaching his limit by standing and picking up the books. He never felt so pathetic in his whole life… Even sitting in a chair was exhausting, it took all his mental fortitude to keep himself together. It was punishment for his curiosity, but he could not get himself to regret it. If he hadn’t been weak, he would have never learned about Subaru’s hardships and he would have been unable to help him. The power to protect his friends was all he ever wished for and now he had to pay the price for it. 

“Let’s go, then.” Subaru took Beatrice on his back. “Please, wait for me and don’t overwork yourself.”   
“Do not worry. It’s not like I could go very far.” he tried to smile at the absurdity of the situation but failed. “Just bring Lady Anastasia to safety, I’ll stay put.”   
“Ok… I’ll be quick.” leaving Julius behind felt as bad as the first time. If anything were to happen, Julius wouldn’t even have the strength to unsheathe his blade. If he didn’t have his spirits with him, Subaru wouldn’t have had the heart to leave him alone. 

Unlike the trip to the library, Patrasche walked down the stairs carefully making sure not to upset the two girls on her back. Carrying sleeping people was always hard, as almost nothing kept them from falling, but Patrasche knew what she was doing. 

Anastasia, who Subaru fastened on Patrasche’s saddle, was still deep asleep and unmoving. Her mind was still trapped inside the book’s false reality and in her point of view, she was far, far away from the Pleiades tower. 

.  
.  
.  
.

Anastasia was sitting on a chair, in a corner of a poorly lit room. She was extremely tired but she couldn’t sleep just yet, she didn’t know why but she had to stay awake like her life depended on it. Every muscle in her body felt as stiff as wood and her hands were covered with dozens of little cuts. But the worst was the bite mark on her left hand, it stung like it was still fresh and she couldn’t keep herself from touching it and scratching the scabs off. 

She didn’t even know why she was doing it, she never was one to nervously play with her scabs. She wanted to keep herself from doing it but it was stronger than her, the alien urge to scratch was consuming her. So she scratched and scratched and scratched and her hand bled from it. At least the bolts of pain kept her awake, which was vital. She had a promise to keep, she couldn’t let her angel down. She couldn’t say why she needed to stay awake to keep it, but she needed all the same.

Her eyelids were so heavy, those kids had drained all her energy today. And her head was hanging down, the maids had made her work to exhaustion today. But it had been worth it, getting along with Ram and Rem was very important. It was as important as staying awake, but she didn’t know why either. 

Fighting against the fatigue felt as useless as tilting at windmills. She jolted awake at her thought, why was she thinking about windmills? It didn’t make any sense, windmills had nothing to do with fighting in vain. Why did her brain make the association? ‘Don Quixote’ said a voice in her mind, but who was Don Quixote? ‘The man who jousts against windmills’ said the same voice again. 

The more Anastasia thought about it, the less it made sense. But she knew the voice was right, the voice was always right. It was this voice that commanded her to stay awake and it was this voice that explained to her her own train of thought. In fact, this voice was not even a voice, it was just something that could speak to her without words. But even the voice was not strong enough to keep her awake (and alive???) and she fell asleep. 

She dreamt that she was standing on the deck of a wooden boat surrounded by people she didn’t know. The night was dark but the sky was full of thousands of stars. She tried to recognize some of the constellations to understand where she was but she found none. Not even the 'Great Dragonic Star', the one watching over Lugunica was not visible. She tried to look around her, to see the coast or the faraway waterfalls but she couldn’t find them either. She could see nothing but water in every direction. 

[Even the Aegean Sea seems endless when you are alone at sea.] 

Ah yes, she was sailing on the Aegean Sea, how could she forget? She didn’t know what Aegean meant or what a ‘sea’ was, but she was obviously sailing it. Her men on the deck were busing playing cards or maneuvering the ship. She would tell the one playing to go get some rest but she couldn’t get herself to ruin their fun. They were always loyal to her, even when the sea and its God declared war against her. 

[Don’t forget the witch’s advice.]

The witch’s advice? Who would listen to the advice of the witch? 

[Let her guide you to the underworld. Only going there and coming back will give you the wisdom to appease the gods.]

Every part of her revolted against the idea of listening to a witch. If she wanted her to visit the afterlife, she would need to kill her with her own vile hands. But the voice continued to whisper wordlessly in her ear and the wind of the sea erased the sickness in her heart. She could trust the witch’s words, she would trust the witch's words. She would let herself be taken to the underworld. But how? 

[The sea will lead you to it.]

She looked deep into the waters when she felt heavy rains fall on her frail body. The clear sky had been invaded by the darkest cloud she had ever seen and the sea soon matched its colors. Freshwater came from above and saltwater came from below as massive waves crashed on the hull of the ship. She had sailed the rivers of Kiraragi for years but she never had to face the wrath of the sea before. 

[Do not fight it.]

The voice made its will be known but she couldn’t obey, she took hold of one of the masts for dear life as the waves tossed around the ship. The waves were so tall they could devour the whole ship in seconds if they didn't calm down. All Anastasia could do was keep her grip around the mast strong as tons of water smashed against her. Every time she survived a wave, another one, stronger, came. She could feel her body shake as the cold water sapped away her body's warmth. She could feel acid and bile go up to her nose as the ship almost spun around itself. She could feel her head boil as the sound of the waves and the scream of her men merged in her mind. 

[It is for the best.]

How? How could that be for the best? She was agonizing, she was dying, she was alone against a storm. She had no chance of survival yet she couldn’t let go. If her fingers didn't break under the stress, then the mast will and she would be doom all the same. 

[Don’t tilt at windmills.] 

She wanted to scream but when she opened her mouth, the ship rolled over and she fell into the belly of the beast. As she entered the raging sea, she lost contact with all her senses: she saw nothing, she heard nothing, her skin could not even register the coldness of the water anymore. There was no up nor down, no feeling except the fire inside her body. She tried to breathe but her lips remained sealed and it took her an eternity to even understand why. Even though her mind came to terms with the situation, her lungs refused to give up. Her diaphragm kept trying to lower itself, fighting against her closed lips. 

They fought again and her lips won. 

They fought again and her lips won. 

They fought again and her lips won. 

They fought again and her lips won. 

They fought again and her lips won. 

Anastasia felt something shift in her throat as her consciousness erased itself. 

And her lungs won. 

She took a deep breath and fell off her chair to the wooden floor. She was not in the water anymore but her body was fighting for its life. The world around her still didn’t make any sense, she couldn’t tell if she was on the ground or on the ceiling. Even though she finally took a deep breath, her lungs were still on fire and even though she was not moving anymore, her stomach was still spewing acids. 

Finally finding her place in her surroundings, she propped herself on her shaking legs to get away from the agony. She didn’t know where it came from anymore, but she had to get away and she had to do it fast. But every step she took felt like she was walking on a carpet of glass, and every shard sent thunder across her whole body. She fought her fight to escape nonetheless, each meter gained was a meter between her and whatever was following her. 

Every three steps her wavering sense of balance left her and she fell on all fours. The impact of her hands on the parquet made her stomach collapse on itself and forced it to send wave after wave of bile and acids. The front of her face was burning so much she couldn’t tell apart her mouth from her nose anymore. 

She still continued to walk, she couldn’t even see where she was and she didn’t even know where she was going. The urge to escape became stronger with each step but the rationale for it slowly evaporated from her mind. Her futile walk toward nowhere was all she could think of, she had to carry on… stopping would mean her death. It was the only truth in her mind. 

On the verge of death, one’s body might convulse helplessly in a last-ditch effort to hold to life. Her walking between two vomitings was her way to helplessly convulse as she died. It was the only thing her body could do to keep working. 

For the first time in what appeared to be an eternity, one of her senses came back to her. She could hear something, at first a faint unspecified buzzing but her hearing sharpened quickly. In front of unknown danger, her body pushed through her veins the last drops of adrenaline she had and she awoke to the world around her. She didn’t know how long it would last, no more than a few seconds certainly, but she could see and hear again. 

She could hear the rattling of chains and it was coming closer and closer. Through the sounds of the chains, she could hear light footsteps. She tried to look toward the noise but her body was not on the ground anymore. She was flying through the corridors only seeing the ceiling followed by only seeing the carpeted floor. 

She spoke but she couldn’t hear her own voice, she could only hear the rattling getting closer and closer. She felt a single raindrop fall on her face and instinctively looked up to see the scary clouds above her head. But there were no clouds, only the same ceiling as ever and an unremarkable chandelier. 

It was only when a second drop rained on her that she noticed that the chandelier was not as ordinary as she thought. She saw something dangling from it and she recognized it like she would recognize her own face in the mirror. 

The realization opened a new sense to her: the sense of touch. And her severed skin, muscles, and bones sent thousands of pain signals to her failing brain. At first, the agony gave her the strength to trash around aimlessly then it paralyzed her body and condemned her to live her pain in absolute silence. 

The minuscule spams of her bleeding body could not convey what her mind was screaming to her. She couldn’t move anymore, even her stomach gave up and the stream of bile stopped. The poison in her veins bled out with her own blood but its effects were coming back full force. But this time, she welcomed it. She welcomed the numbing of her senses and the dilution of her consciousness. She didn’t fight it and she wouldn’t if she could. 

She let the poison lead her to her death. She didn’t fight it. It was all for the best. She stopped tilting at windmills. 

Unbeknown to her the chains rattled one last time and she finally berthed to the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and Good Holidays! Let me give you, a belated, chapter! 
> 
> Next Chapter: Anatomy of a Failure


	7. Anatomy of a Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She must live.

Beatrice was sitting on the corner of a bed, just next to the ever comatose Rem. She made herself as small as possible, pressing her back against the wall behind her and holding her knees close to her chest. She could hear someone talking to her, but their words didn’t reach her mind, they were nothing but a hazy buzzing echoing in the distance. 

All she could do was finger tracing the same line on her pale throat. The skin of her throat was smooth and intact, but she was convinced there was a gaping wound in the middle of it. No matter how many times she checked her throat, she couldn’t shake off the feeling that her windpipe and vessels were exposed. She could feel cold air entering her arteries and flowing right into her heart. And yet, she was alive. 

Naturally, as her windpipe was cut open, she could not speak. Even if she could, her tongue and lips would speak only one word: Rem. She didn’t want to, but her mouth moved on its own. And if she tried to suppress it, then a voice in her mind would shout it at her.

[Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem. Rem.]

And the more she fought it, the louder it got.

[REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM. REM.]

So she let herself mouth it soundlessly again and again. Better surrender her body than her mind. She couldn’t let a mindless tic keep her from focusing on what was paramount: she just woke up from (her) Subaru’s book of the dead. She couldn’t remember the vast majority of what happened to them in the book and it didn’t matter. The facts didn’t matter. The only thing worth thinking about was the emotions they shared together. And she could still feel them, even though their minds and souls had been torn away from each other.

The life they shared for a moment, linked their minds, but their souls had been connected ever since that fateful day. Accordingly, understanding Subaru became second nature for her, or so she thought. 

Every time he smiled at her, she could see something lurking beneath his warm gaze. It made her want to see what his eyes hid and to ignore the terrible truth at the same time. But as his contracted spirit, it had been her duty to unravel what laid low in his heart. So she made sure to look deep into his eyes when he talked to her, no matter how much it could hurt. 

Even though Subaru never spoke about his pain, his body found two thousand ways to express it nonetheless. However, those already rare hints made themselves fewer with time. Not because Subaru’s heart became lighter, but because he honed his persona, his mask, every day. Sometimes, he could even fool Beatrice herself. And it was only by watching him struggle to breathe in his sleep that she was reminded of the harsh reality. 

True to her nature as a guardian of knowledge, Beatrice took diligently note of every hint that Subaru unconsciously dropped.

¤ First and the most obvious; were the terrible nightmares that plagued him every night. Even though holding his hand was enough to drive them away, his dependency on her presence was alarming. 

¤ Second and the most dreadful; were his unsettling littles habits. May it be his insistent scratching of both his arms (until his skin came off), the chewing of his nails and fingertips (until his mouth filled with blood) or him banging his own head on his own fists (until his vision blurred), he kept inflicting pain upon himself. She even caught him toying with a knife once. 

¤ Third and the most disconcerting; was how often his gaze looked hollow. Sometimes, she would look at him and he would just stare at nothing. She could have waved it off as him being absent-minded or exhausted, however, he could stay in this sorry state for hours on end. She tried to see how long it could last once, and after exactly an hour and thirty-two minutes, she gave up and shook him back to reality. He then acted as if nothing happened.

¤ Fourth and the most subtle; were his inappropriate reactions to benign stimuli. Subaru talked and moved fast, he had his own vocabulary and even his own little world. But in his torrent of harmless nonsense, one could notice a horrifying remark or two, or him saying things with very unfortunate implications. His apparent distaste of snow (when he loved it so much before) was borderline psychotic. And if his determination was his greatest strength, the speed at which he could turn the page of traumatic events was frightening. 

¤ Fifth and the most dangerous; was his relentless death-wish. He described himself as a daredevil too stupid for his own good, but Beatrice knew better than that. He had always flirted aggressively with death, and now, she finally knew why. They were so acquainted with each other, she could almost describe them as lovers. It hurt to think about. 

But above all, there was something that made Beatrice cry every time she thought about it. He was the only one who could understand her mind-crushing despair. When she talked to him about how she felt when she was still trapped in the forbidden library, she could see he had felt the same way in his eyes. He knew what she meant when she begged him for death. He was just as broken as she was.

When he held the blade to his throat, she already knew that feeling. She had done the same in the past, holding a shard of broken ceramic to her own throat. She toyed with the idea of death every day for nearly four centuries and every day she got closer to going through it. But she never did, no matter how dark her thoughts became or how desperate she felt, she never could sink the shard in her neck. She couldn't break her promise and contract, she couldn't disappoint her mother, she couldn’t face death alone. 

But he did, he even watched as the blade dug deeper into his flesh. His hands had been shaking but his will remained unwavering. And even though death was just another way to punish himself to him, the gesture and the intended stayed the same. 

For more than a year, Subaru let her see the deep of his despair and she did nothing. He never spoke the words but he shouldn’t have to, she was his contracted spirit after all. They could communicate without even looking at each other, yet she ignored his pain. She knew about his nightmares, his deadly littles habits, and the shadow of distress in his eyes and she failed to help him. 

She failed him. She failed him. She failed him. She was a failure. 

In her frenzy, she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her neck. Following the pain, a thin blue veil started to cloud her eyes. It was mana, her mana. She must have scrubbed her throat hard enough to damage it and spill some mana out of her. 

She slid a finger in the opening she created: she really did slit her throat… 

She should panic but it felt right. She had been plagued by the feeling of the inside of her throat being exposed since she woke up, and now, it was finally the case. The concordance felt sublime. 

But it only lasted a second, the thin skin of her throat reformed and closed the wound. She would have complained but the feeling in her windpipe made it impossible. She knew it couldn't last forever, if she died right then and there then she would let Subaru down (one more time). She had a reason to live now, she had to keep fighting for it. 

As Beatrice was still mechanically nursing her throat, she heard a terrible screech boom in the room. The scream was so loud and so terrifying that it made her fall off the bed in fright.

“AAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaAAAaaaaaAaaaAAAaaah.”

It was Anastasia’s voice, but Beatrice would have never recognized it if she couldn’t see the girl bend backward in agony. Her screeching strained her vocal cords so much, Beatrice feared they would snap.

“Ah! Calm down! Calm down! It’s ok! It’s ok!” Meili tried to restrain Anastasia, she needed to keep the merchant from hurting herself. 

However, Anastasia was fighting for her life. From her perspective, her lifeforce came back to her out of nowhere and she wasn’t going to waste this unexpected chance to live. Someone was trying to pin her down, most likely to finish her. She had been so sure she was going to die, she actually felt her soul leaving her body but she was still alive.

Alive. Alive. Alive.

“Uuuuh.” she took a lungful of air. Nothing felt as good in her entire life, she was breathing in life itself. It was her rebirth. “UUUUUUUUUUUhhhh” she took more air in without even exhaling. 

“ANASTASIA! YOU’RE SAFE! YOU’RE SAFE!” Meili recognizes the look in Anastasia’s eyes. She saw it so many times when she was about to finish her targets. It wasn’t the fear of death, it was the hunger to live. 

Beatrice looked at Anastasia helplessly. She wanted to help calm Anastasia down, yet, no words came out of her mouth. She could do nothing but watch as Meili and Anastasia seemingly fought to the death.

“ARGH!” 

Anastasia smashed her elbow on Meili’s temple, disorienting the little girl. Meili blinked as she tried to grasp what happened to her but she couldn’t even see straight. She nursed her painful temple and felt blood coming from her ear. She hoped Anastasia didn’t burst her eardrum.

Finally free from her assailant’s clutches, Anastasia got up and tried to run away from the room. But as soon as she opened the door, she was tackled to the ground by an unknown force. She looked behind to see if it was the same girl as before, but the girl was still stunned by her elbow strike. The one who caught her was an even smaller girl with blonde hair and a pink dress. 

Why were so many little girls trying to kill her? 

Beatrice leaped on Anastasia without even thinking about it and she was surprised that she managed to actually pin her down. She mouthed Anastasia to calm down but she couldn’t get her point across. Not only was Anastasia frantic but Beatrice still couldn't speak a single word.

“Thank you! Let’s get her inside!” Meili got up still stumbling. She took one of Anastasia’s feet and slid her inside the greenroom. Thank god for the spirit’s healing or else she would have never recovered in time. “Patrasche, sit on her!” 

“GYAAh!” the ground dragon obeyed Meili’s order and sat gently on Anastasia. Just enough to keep her from running away and hurting herself. 

“Good girl!” Meili pat Patrasche’s head, she really was a good girl. “Now, all we have to do is calm her down before Julius sees her in that state.”

As if saying Julius’ name summoned her up, a tiny white spirit got out from Anastasia’s hair and rushed out of the room. Beatrice barely understood what the spirit shouted on her way out, but she could swear it had been a variation of ‘I have to warn Julius’.

“Don’t tell me the spirit is going to tattle on us...” Meili said as she watched Anastasia claw her way out from under Patrasche. 

“...” Beatrice said nothing but she didn’t need to. 

“Fuck.” she played with her braid despondent. “Ok~ Then we have no choice but to bring her back to reality before he arrives here!” 

Anastasia tried to push the dragon away from her, but it didn’t move a single inch. She wasted her second chance at life, she had no way out of this hopeless situation. She was so close to freedom but she got caught by a mute toddler. Maybe it was punishment for her mercenary lifestyle.

“Anastasia, do you remember me? I’m Meili, your friend!” ‘friend’ was maybe an exaggeration, but it wasn’t the time to be pedantic. “I want you no harm, you’re safe with us.” 

“Tchh!” Anastasia tried to slap her. She wasn’t going to be tricked so easily. They poisoned her and then they tore off her arm. 

“Ok~” Meili dodged the slap and took a step back. “I don’t know who wanted to hurt you, but you are safe now! Look around you!” she needed to ground Anastasia in reality. 

Anastasia didn’t want to obey the girl, but she should have analyzed her environment already. Looking around, she saw that she was in a strange room full of vegetation. Two little girls were next to her and three adult women were lying in white beds. At first, she feared that they were dead, but they were just sleeping.

The face of the one with silver hair was very familiar, she knew this girl. The ‘half-witch’, no, the ‘half-elf’... Her name was Emilia, she remembered now.

“Anastasia… I am here with you.” after staying silent Echidna spoke up. 

Dialogue until then would have been futile. But now that Anastasia was starting to control her breathing and that her heartbeat evened itself, Echidna knew her voice could reach her at last.

“You’re not in danger anymore. Whatever happened was just a twisted dream.” Echidna added.

“No, it wasn’t a dream… It couldn’t be.” she dreamt before and she never felt a hundredth of this pain in her dreams. 

“It was a dream induced by a book of the dead, do you remember reading it?” 

She rattled her brain for every memory of what happened before her ‘dream’. She remembered walking inside the library and finding Emilia and Beatrice in it. After, she had a lively negotiation with Subaru about… his books of the dead. Wait, some pieces were missing. She wasn’t alone in the library, she had been with Julius.

“JULIUS!” she shouted on top of her lungs. The last time she saw him, he was agonizing on the floor. 

“Shhhhhh! Don’t summon him yet!” Meili put her finger on Anastasia’s lips. As long as Anastasia looked like she just got out of a fight with a tiger, they couldn't let him see her. 

Suddenly, they heard an incredibly loud bang outside of the room followed by a myriad of softer ones.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” Meili heard Subaru’s voice, as well as his footsteps, getting closer and closer. 

The softer sounds continued for a short while as Subaru kept on swearing with every one of them. When the sounds stopped, it was followed by a cacophony of heavy footsteps. Then the door of the greenroom flew open with enough force to almost get it off its hinges.

“LADY ANASTASIA!” 

It was Julius, looking even worse as before… Meili didn’t know it was even possible. Even if he seemed conscious now, he was looking like he met a vengeful Reid Astrea on his way down here. He was bleeding from his scalp and the wound across his eye reopened, and Meili was sure his shoulder was dislocated.

“Wait for me!” Subaru appeared right behind Julius and stopped to catch his breath. 

“Wait a minute!” Meili frowned. “How did you get outrun by mister anemic ghost over there?” Julius looked like he could barely stand on his legs, Subaru should have been able to catch him without any trouble. 

“Weeeell, I will let you know you can go very fast if you decide to roll down the stairs!” 

Julius had been so panicked by whatever his spirit had told him that he had bolted out of the library before Subaru could even ask him what was happening. However, the knight gravely overestimated his capacity to run down the stairs and fell down them when he heard Anastasia shout his name. To his credit, he instantly got up after rolling down at least a hundred steps. Subaru would have been impressed if Julius didn’t give him one of the biggest scares of his life.

“Y-you told me she would be fine!” ignoring the pain in his shoulder, Julius slid next to his lady. “Can you tell me why is your ground dragon sitting over her????” 

“Hey! I just arrived too!” Subaru looked at Meili for explanations but the girl said nothing, only giving him an apologetic smile. 

“Grawa!” understanding the situation, Patrashe got up from Anastasia and put herself in next to her owner. “WWWwaaaar.” she hoped she didn’t do anything wrong. 

“My Lady, how are you feeling? I shouldn't have left you alone.” Julius tried to help Anastasia stand up only for both of them to pathetically fall on the floor. “Urg.” he bit his lips, impressed by his own patheticness. 

“It’s ok… it’s ok. I was a bit… lost after wakin’ up.” she laughed softly. “Ya had me worrin’ sick.” 

“Do not worry for me, my lady. You should think about yourself first.” 

“Ya’re not the one to decide that.” she sat down and examined Julius’ face. 

Seeing Julius’ worried face was the last push Anastasia needed to get herself back together. Her head kept killing her and her vision was still a little blurry, but she knew where she was and, most importantly, that she wasn't dying anymore. The memories of her agony were still fresh in her mind and she doubted she would ever forget, but she could think again.

A part of her wanted to ask how Subaru could go on with life after living what she just lived, but it wasn’t the time. Now, she had to take care of her lovely knight and his dislocated shoulder. She would have her answers later and she would find who murdered her. She knew she would and then… Anastasia shook her head, she had something more urgent to take care of.

“Ya are bleeding.” she took a part of her sleeve and wiped away the blood on his face. Luckily, the greenroom power already closed his wounds. It was really godsent. 

“It is nothing major, my lady. Just a testament of my foolishness.” he was deeply ashamed of how useless he had been since the beginning. First reading the book, then losing himself to its dark magic, then letting Emilia read another book, and then letting his lady suffer alone… 

“Shhh. No self-depracitin’ crap on ma watch! My knight is a proud knight, got it?”

“Yes, my lady.” 

“And even if he makes mistakes, he doesn’t let them stop him. He gets back up and faces the future with fire in his eyes, got it?”

“Yes, my lady.” his lady always knew how to motivate her troops. One more thing that made her the most precious woman in the world. 

“So, whatcha gonna do?” 

“Get up and face the future, of course.” 

“Tchtch! Ya forgot something!” she winked at him. 

“I get up and face the future with fire in my eyes.” she didn’t even remember him but she was still as perfect as ever.

“Perfect! Now, let’s take care of your shoulder, will ya?” 

“My shoulder?” he turned his head to see what she meant and saw that his shoulder was ten centimeters lower than it should be. “Ah.” 

Beatrice watched silently as Anastasia cheered up her knight. She knew almost nothing about him and yet she managed to cure his distress. While Beatrice knew almost everything about Subaru and yet she failed to make him feel even a little better.

It was a good thing she couldn’t talk anymore because she didn’t deserve to. From now on, she would have to dedicate herself wholly to Subaru. It was her mission and her only reason to live. She couldn’t be a failure anymore. He gave her everything so she had to give him everything she had in return. The rest was nothing but a distraction. 

After four hundred years of aimless despair, it was time to become who she needed to become. She was Subaru’s Betty and nothing else. 

Still unaware of Beatrice’s awakening, Subaru thought about how to relocate Julius’ shoulder. The room could heal wounds, but it was powerless to put his articulation back in its socket. It was like a displaced fracture, you have to reduce it first and then the magic would weld the bone back together.

“So Julius.” Subaru caught Julius' attention. “Choose you executioner, who’s gonna reduce your dislocated shoulder? I warn you, I’ve never done it before.” he smiled as wild as he could, this was going to be... interesting.

“Ah…” Julius looked around him.

“Sorry, I never had to do it either…” Anastasia gave him an apologetic look. 

“Me neither~” Meili knew how to dislocate them, not how to put them back in place. 

“Well then…” Julius resigned himself to his fate. But after his encounter with… them, nothing could really scare him anymore. “I chose Subaru.”

“Really? Why?” Anastasia asked.

“He is the only one I can hit if he hurts me too much,” he said it matter-of-factly. 

“Good choice.” she laughed. 

Subaru didn’t even dignify Julius' remark with an answer and placed himself to relocate the shoulder.

“You should lay down on a bed if possible.” Subaru looked at the two beds in the room. One had Rem and Ram on it, the other had Emilia. 

“I know, I know. But I cannot steal one of the ladies’ beds.”

“You can share with Em-” Subaru bit his tongue. “You know what, forget it.”

“Don’t let yar jealousy get in the way, Subaru.” Anastasia frowned, she thought that Subaru was better than that. 

“Do not take him seriously, it's just a bad jest on his part.” Julius laughed. 

“Pff. Just don’t make me say it.” Subaru was sure that inviting Julius into Emilia’s bed would burn his tongue. 

“Do not worry, I cannot accept it anyway, a knight shouldn’t get in an unconscious lady’s bed under any circumstances.” 

“I’m sure she wouldn’t be mad at ya! In fact, she would be mad to know ya refused to.” 

“Lady Emilia's kindness is known to me, but I cannot accept.” 

“The ground it is, then.” 

Laying on the ground, Julius tried his best to extend his arm but the pain kept him to. Subaru kneeled next to him and took his arm carefully. He saw how to do it on TV, once, he hoped it would be enough.

“Here goes nothing.”

As Subaru was about to move Julius’ arm, Beatrice tapped on his shoulder.

“BEAKO! You’re awake! I’m sorry, you should have told me so! Made your presence known!” Subaru bit his lips, forgetting about his Beako was unforgivable. "Please, don't be mad." 

Beatrice smiled at Subaru, he was really happy to see her. It made her feel a little better. The fact that one of his smiles was enough to soothe her heart only made her determination harder. She had to dedicate herself fully to him and forsake everything else.

Beatrice took Julius’ arm in her tiny hands and placed herself next to him.

“You want to try?” Subaru didn’t know Beatrice could relocate a shoulder. Why didn’t she say so earlier? By the way, did she just woke up? If she did, she had the mental fortitude of a fortified castle. 

“...” Beatrice only nodded. 

“I feel better knowing I am in an exceptional healer’s hands.” Julius smiled.

“Shut up.” 

“Somebody feels rejected~”

“Shut up too…” 

Beatrice blushed at Julius' compliment... just after claiming to fully give herself to Subaru and Subaru only. She could say it was only because of Julius’ blessing, he had the power to make all the spirits in this world blush with a wink, but she knew it wasn’t only that. She had to detach herself from everybody else to best help her Subaru.

Beatrice expertly moved Julius’ arm up, then above his head while gently rotating it. It only took her one try to make the shoulder do a satisfying ‘pop’, signaling that the shoulder was back into place. She then put his arm back near his torso and got up to admire her work. She helped Subaru’s friend, she was doing what she was meant to do.

“Thank you.” Julius moved his arm slowly. “You did a marvelous job.”

“Of course my Beako would do a good job.” Subaru took her in his arms. “She is my perfect little lady.” 

“Careful, Subaru. You shouldn’t play with a young lady’s heart.” Julius could only admire how cute they were together. It was a shame he couldn’t hug his brother like that anymore. It was also a shame he couldn’t even remember him. He really hoped that the dragon’s blood would cure everyone the witch had cursed. 

“I would rather die than break my Beako’s heart!” he held her tighter. “She is just so, so precious.” 

“Oooh, look at her.” Anastasia laughed. “She is blushin’! So cute!” 

“She is the cutest!” 

Beatrice didn’t think she deserved the praise but she held her head high, she would not disappoint him anymore. The Betty that let Subaru down died with him in the world of the book. A new era of her life had begun.

Anastasia laughed with everybody in the room, but she didn’t forget what she just went through. She was still struggling to keep her stomach in check after all. But now that the situation had relatively calmed down, it was time for her to begin her investigation. She would not let the person who cursed and tortured her go free. She didn’t care if it happened through Subaru, whoever did it still did it. They had just one more victim than they thought they would. And Anastasia was not the kind of victim to forgive and forget. 

She would find out who her killer is and act accordingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I forgot to put the author note at the end. Sorry!
> 
> Next chapter: A lone prayer.


	8. A Lone Prayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru realizes his mistake.

“I know it’s a lot to ask, but could you leave us alone for a moment?” 

“Of course, Subaru.” Anastasia nodded. She understood why he would ask that, and truth be told, she wouldn’t have the strength to stay and witness their little ‘conversation’. 

“Yes, we will restore ourselves near the carriage if you need our help.” Julius added. “Please, I am serious. Do not hesitate to seek us if you have any problems.”

“I will.” Subaru had a big problem but none of them could help him, no matter how much they wanted. 

“Do you wish to borrow one of my little maidens for protection? They want to protect you too, you know?” 

“Thank you, but I really need to be alone with her.” 

“Ok, we’ll take Patrasche with us~” Meili took Patrasche’s leash and exited the room. 

“Gyaaaaah.” Patrasche was worrying for her master but she would respect his wish. She just hoped it wasn’t too serious. 

They all left the greenroom and Anastasia was about to close the door when she came back into the room hesitantly. She knew it wasn’t the time to impose her presence, but she didn’t know how long their ‘conversation’ would last and she needed answers as soon as possible. The memories of her death were still fresh in her mind and not knowing who killed her was driving her mad. Who knew, they could even be with her in the tower. It was unlikely but her heart refused to let go of this possibility, it needed reassurance.

“Subaru, can I ask ya a question or two?” She closed the door and walked toward Subaru. Beatrice was watching them wordlessly from Emilia’s bed. 

“Ah… Yes, I suppose it would be cruel to leave without answers after… what you lived through…” he scratched the back of his head. He didn't feel in the right mind to answer difficult and deadly questions but he couldn’t leave the poor Anastasia lost and alone. Julius got to ask his and he was about to talk about it with Beatrice, Anastasia deserved some peace of mind too. 

“Don’t worry it won't be too long. For now, at least, I won’t let ya off the hook so easily.” she smiled but Subaru didn’t smile back, he was too exhausted to humor even the most basic politeness. 

After their little chat, Anastasia closed the door behind her and joined Meili, Patrashe, and Julius. They all looked at each other, unable to voice their worries for Beatrice. The great spirit didn’t say a single word since she woke up. At first, they thought it was just the lingering effects of the book but after half an hour of the silence treatment, it was obvious that there was something more. No matter what they did, Beatrice would not speak. She would nod, shake her head, and sometimes give meaningful looks to Subaru (and Subaru only) but nothing else. If the problem laid with her vocal cords, then she should be able to, at least, mime things but she didn’t.

Seeing Subaru despairingly trying to get a single word out of the girl was hard to watch. He tried to talk to her, compliment her, make her laugh, bribe her, beg her, have a heart to heart, he did everything but physically force her. But Beatrice's mouth stayed shut. You could see in her eyes that she felt guilty about her silence, that she could see the pain in Subaru's eyes but she stayed mute. 

But whatever it was, it was between them and them alone. Beatrice didn’t even spare them a glance after reducing Julius’ shoulder. They took no offense, they knew she didn’t snub them, she just couldn’t look away from her contractor. The bound between a spirit and their contractor was almost divine in nature, Julius understood it better than anyone.

“Let’s go~. If we stay here, they might think we are eavesdropping.” Meili broke the uncomfortable silence between them. 

“Yes, we should. I need to sit down anyway. I’m still feeling fuzzy from ma ‘dream’.” Anastasia didn’t know how to call what she lived through. It was absolutely not a dream, but she didn’t have any other word for it. “I might vomit if I stand up for too long.” 

“Then, if Patrasche doesn’t mind, you should ride her instead of walking down the stairs.” Julius looked at Patrasche for confirmation. 

“Gyaaah.” Patarsche roared in agreement. 

“Thank you! Ya are really a good girl!” Anastasia put herself on the ground dragon’s saddle with Julius’ help.

“Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.” she roared again. 

“Is there a problem?” was Patrasche too exhausted? It didn’t seem so to Julius. 

“GWAAAAAR.” she took Julius’ collar in her mouth and started to pull on it.

“Aaah. I am sorry, but I do not understand what you are trying to say.” he tried to free his collar from her jaw, in vain. 

“GYYYAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAARRRRR!” 

“I think she wants to carry you too~.” 

“Gya!” Patrasche was happy to be understood. This little human was very smart. The big sword human was as dumb as her Subaru though. 

“Come on, Julius. Ya can't disappoint a Lady!” Anastasia offered her hand to her knight. 

“If she insists… Thank you very much.” Julius took Anastasia’s hand and got on just behind her. 

“Gyyyyaaaah!”

Subaru and Beatrice were both sitting on the edge of Emilia’s bed, facing each other without looking into the other’s eyes. Beatrice knew that her silence was concerning but speaking was physically impossible for her. She tried to make him understand, gesturing her throat and opening her mouth without making a sound, showing that she wanted to but nothing could come out. But Subaru just couldn’t understand and she couldn't blame him. The wound on her throat was both invisible and impalpable, yet it was there and no magic could heal her.

“...” 

“Beako.” Subaru played with his finger nervously, he was at his wit's end. 

“...” 

“I know that what you saw in the book was not easy and you’re not forced to talk about it!” he didn’t want her to feel pressured. “But I need a sign, just a little sign. A single word, the one you want. It can be ‘yes’, ‘no’ or even ‘ah’... If you are mad at me you can insult me, I understand, I am mad at myself too.” how could he not when his choices broke his Beatrice. 

“...” Beatrice, disheartened, shook her head.

Beatrice crawled slowly toward Subaru and placed herself in his arms like she so often did. Despite the melancholic mood and the tangible tension, Subaru accepted her embrace and started petting her hair instinctively. She put her head against his chest and listened to his heart, he always had a slow heartbeat, and just listening to it could erase the bad thoughts eating her mind away. But she knew she didn’t have this effect on him, she was helpless to help him.

“You know, Beako. If I can be honest with you… having you near me always calms me down. I don’t know why, but I feel fearless with you by my side.” 

“...” Beatrice closed her eyes, she couldn’t let him fool her with his lies.

“Sometimes, I think the only reason we weren’t made siblings at birth is that we would have been too powerful otherwise.” he started to play with her hair, she always said she hated it but Subaru knew that it was her little weakness. She was just too proud to say it. “We would have ruled the world!”

“...” he was only saying that to make her feel better. 

“But now that we are officially family.” he laughed softly. “And we are officially family. Like it or not, you’re my cute little sister, Beako.” 

“...” she cannot allow herself to believe his empty praises. She didn’t deserve them. 

“I feel like nothing can stop us anymore. No witches, no lousy sages, no trials.”

“...” he was right, he was the only enemy he seemed to lose to. And he was the only enemy she couldn’t protect him from. 

“I am very lucky to have you. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“...” she knew he would have found a way, he always did. She was the one who was nothing without him. 

“And sometimes, I forget that I have the best little sister in the world and many friends who love me.” he stopped petting her head. “And when I forget… I can make really big mistakes. Like the one you saw in the book.” 

“...” she never heard his voice have such a melancholic tone. 

“That’s why I need you, Beako. Because when you’re holding my hand it’s impossible to forget how cherished I am. How lucky I am for having someone like you loving me.” he lowered his head and whispered as softly as he could. “With you, I can’t forget… that there are people, who will grieve my death.”

At those words, the entirety of Beatrice’s body tensed. She tried so hard to shield herself from his sweet, sweet lies but she didn’t have the strength to anymore. She knew he would use his silver tongue to soothe her heart and she prepared herself for it... but this time he went too far. There was no way for her to ignore him, she knew he was feeding her fairy tales but her heart lashed on to it all the same. This was his magic, the one nobody else could replicate, not her, not Roswaal, and not even her mother.

That was why she needed to think of him and only of him. He had the power to hold the whole world in his gentle hands but her tiny arms could only reach for one single person. And she chose him. If her power to save him was to make him remember that he was loved, then she would never leave him alone anymore. 

She looked up to finally face Subaru and he was smiling through his tears and Beatrice did the same. Her throat was still slit, her mouth still speechless but her heart would reach him.

“Thank you, Beako. You are truly the best.” he wiped Beatrice's tears with his hand. “I’m sorry, I don’t have a handkerchief. Julius would say that a ‘knight must always be prepared to help a lady’, but here I am.. I’ll do better next time.” he used his best bad imitation of Julius to quote him. 

“...” Beatrice giggled even though his imitation was mediocre at best. She took a handkerchief from her sleeve and used it to dry his tears. 

“Ah, I should have known that my Beako would have my back. You complete me, that's why we’re the best team in the world!” he took both ends of her drills and pulled them before letting them jump back in place. 

“...!” Beatrice took her hair in her hands and pouted. He never missed an opportunity to ruin her hair, didn’t he?

“And I won’t force you to talk anymore. I shouldn’t have done it at all… I’ll wait as long as needed, so take your time.” he booped her nose. “And if you never speak again, it’s ok too.” 

“...” she slapped away his hand with little conviction. She was a lady, she couldn't let him treat her like a child. 

“Yeah, yeah. I get it, you’re a lady.” he rolled his eyes playfully. “But you are my cute little sister before all. And my cute little sister deserves all the ‘boop’.” he booped her nose again. “in the world.” 

Beatrice got up and smashed his nose repeatedly with the palm of her hand.

“Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.” Subaru showed her both his hand to surrender. “You won, you taught me a lesson, I won’t disrespect you anymore.” 

Beatrice sat back on his lap and cradled herself in his arms, she was satisfied. She knew what she had to do now, she knew how to keep the blade away from his throat. She had been a failure but she was not clueless anymore.

As she learned to handle her guilt, Beatrice’s awareness started to slip away. She didn’t notice how exhausted she was until now. Moreover, being in a bed while Subaru was near was usually reserved for bedtime. She felt bad for falling asleep but Subaru told her she just needed to hold his hand to make sure he would never forget. 

No need for words, no need for magic, no need for grandiose actions, just being there for each other. She could still feel his heartbeat under her ear, it was still so slow, slow enough to count sheep to. Or count the ‘Puck’ as he taught her so long ago. 

One Puck. Two Puck. Three Puck…. Four Puck……. Five Puck……….Six Puck……………

She was still conscious, but her thoughts started to escape her. 

Seven Puck…………… Eight Puck………………… Nine Puck……………………….

Her mind huddled upon itself, she couldn’t hear Subaru’s heartbeat anymore. 

Ten Puck…………………………………………………..

After the trials of the tower and her trip down Subaru’s memories, Beatrice finally found rest. She didn’t even notice how much she needed it, but now sleep was all her body was craving for. The feeling of intense exhaustion also struck Subaru when Beatrice fell asleep peacefully in his arms. 

It was the first time since his unlucky encounter with Louis that he felt the tension in his body dissipate. There were still some problems at hand but he could finally see the end of the tunnel. Between lying to his friends to save them from a fate he can’t speak of and struggling to help them recover from meeting death for the first time, he never had the chance to close his eyes for a minute. He forgot how good it felt to not tightrope on a razor’s edge. 

But he was not naive enough to think he was out of the woods yet. He may have finally gotten his head out of the water but he was still lost in the middle of a stormy sea. His worst problem was the fact that Emilia read another book as soon as she woke up. He was surely idealizing her, but he knew that Emilia would never break a promise willingly, he would bet his life on it. Even thinking about the mental torment she must have been through to so blatantly betray him was terrifying. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he had to stay awake to watch over her. He couldn’t let her find her way back to the library and read another book. 

There was also the poor Beatrice, so distraught by what she lived in the book that she was stuck in odd mutism. All he could do was be by her side and give her the time she needed to find back her voice. Subaru was afraid that she never would, that his poor choices broke his Beako forever. Moreover, he was sure that there was something more lying behind her speechlessness. It wasn’t just shock or an acute reaction to the content of the book, her selective mutism ran deeper than that. He hoped that soon enough he would find a way to help his little sister like she always helped him. 

Julius’ state was also concerning, his restlessness was more than counterproductive. He was constantly on the verge of collapsing but he refused to sit down for more than five minutes. If Subaru could karate chop him to sleep, he would have done so already. And if his vow to assist Subaru was to be believed, he seemed to have no intention to rest anytime soon. Subaru knew that if anyone could get something through Julius’ thick skull, it would be Anastasia. It was now her job to convince her knight to relax and have some well-deserved sleep. 

He didn’t know what to think of Anastasia. She seemed well enough but she allegedly had a very rude awakening. She was the one he knew the least and the one who had no reason to go easy on him. Her using the information she accrued was a given, she was not malicious but she knew how and was willing to use things to her advantage. At least, she didn’t appear too traumatized by her death in the book and it would be one less person to babysit. Giving her the book where he died from the curse was a good choice after all. 

To his pleasant surprise, not only did Meili behave but she was actually really helpful. He was proud of his companion of misfortune, she was already doing her best to become someone better. Or at least, to be a good friend. He was sure that staying put and obeying his order blindly must go against all her instincts, but she was keeping her will strong nonetheless. She and Patrasche were god-given, he was going to need their cool heads to help him navigate this hell. 

One of the biggest unknowns of this perilous equation was Ram. She was still unconscious long after the others woke up. She looked frozen in time, not even her eyes were moving under eyelids. If she wasn’t breathing, Subaru would have believed her dead. She looked quite uncomfortable in the library but her face showed no trace of distress anymore. Subaru wanted to just put it on extreme exhaustion after her fight with one of the 'Archbishops of Gluttony' but her sleep didn’t seem restful at all. 

Subaru urged to sleep vanished as his mind started to ponder why Ram was stuck in a disconcerting state of stupor. The cause must reside in his choice of book for Ram, he doubted that the girl was just particularly sensitive to its magic. Maybe it was just a result of her demon heritage or a misuse of her 'Synthesia' ability, but he was afraid it was just wishful thinking. 

First thing first, Subaru analyzed the death that ended the loop he gave to Ram. Fortunately for him, he relieved this death (with every other) not too long ago. It had been, by far, one of the easiest ones to live through. It was painless and quick and if the feeling of being manipulated by Sirius nefarious power was uncanny, it was nothing Ram couldn’t handle… right? 

Subaru started to bite his nails after laying Beatrice down on the bed. The anxiety was making him fidgety and he couldn’t wake Beatrice up due to his agitation. Biting his nails was a habit he just couldn't grow out of, it was so problematic that his nails were already as short as can be. Coupled with the compulsion to chew the skin around his nails, it made his fingers quite unsightly. Beatrice would often scold him, especially when he had bitten them bloody but she wasn’t awake to berate him. Moreover, it helped him focus better. 

Pacing back and down in the room, Subaru tried to remember everything that happened in this loop. If it wasn’t his death, then another event in this loop was keeping Ram trapped in this unnatural sleep. Before Sirius' grand entrance in Priestella, their trip to the 'Watergate City' was quite peaceful and even enjoyable. Liliana had been obnoxious, but not ‘put people into a coma’ obnoxious. Even the trip to the city was uneventful. The key to Ram’s sleep was most likely hiding itself before the whole Priestella debacle. 

Subaru had spent a full year at the mansion without dying once. It was a glorious moment of respite that he missed it at this very moment. The only fly in the ointment was Rem’s gluttony induced coma, but it wasn’t new to Ram. Not only was she with him during this year but she was suffering herself from Rem’s state. Reliving this year of utter powerlessness must have been tough on her, but she wouldn’t be defeated by it. 

The more he thought about it, the less it made sense. Except for Priestella, they spent almost the whole year together. He was going to run out of nails and skin to chew before finding the solution, which meant that he was going to make himself bleed again but most importantly disappoint Beatrice once more. A mortal sin he had to protect himself from. 

Before their year to the main mansion was their stay with Anne-rose. Yet again, Ram had been there with him and the worse there was Clind’s personality. He had to admit, Clind was a peculiar man but Ram was used to his unsavory antics. 

Only the end to their adventure in the sanctuary remained. It was by far the worst part of the loop he gave her, even the successful loop had been a long and difficult one. Subaru rattled his head in search of what Ram got to discover about their time in the sanctuary. The only thing that came to his mind was Echidna’s castle of dreams. 

How could he forget about the sanctuary's main attraction… This loop even began with his second trial and his meeting with Satella. 

Satella. 

To keep himself from screaming, Subaru clenched his jaw as tight as he could, biting the tiniest bit of his finger’s flesh. He couldn’t even process the taste of copper in his mouth as his mind ran against a wall again and again trying to deny reality. But no matter how hard he tried, his head was invaded by the thousand implications from his deadly mistake. 

Clenching his jaw rapidly became insufficient to stay silent, thus he despairingly covered his mouth with both his hands and held his breath. Not only did Ram witness the unspeakable presents born from his mistakes but she met the seven witches of sins too. Any of those two nightmares would be enough to plunge her into a hopeless stupor, she even had the luck to be taunted by the fake Rem. 

As the consequences of his miscalculation set in, Subaru shoved his fingers in his mouth and bit them hard. His body needed to scream and throw up but he couldn't allow himself to do either, all he could do was realize every way he doomed everybody. No matter how deep his teeth dug in his flesh, the power of the greenroom healed him immediately afterward. He had barely the time to register the pain that he could feel the intoxicating tingling of healing magic travel through his body. As long as the blend of those two feelings could help him keep his mouth shut, he had no intention to release his fingers. 

He knew he mentioned ‘Return by Death’ by name in this meeting. At least once, maybe twice but it was too many times no matter what. And if a delusional part of his mind could catch a glimpse of hope by dreaming that the ‘Witch of Envy’ would pardon him for his transgression, he knew it wasn’t even his worst offense to her. 

Subaru put his back against a wall and let himself slide slowly to the floor. He tried to sit still but his feverish agitation made him rock back and forth as he mindlessly chewed both nails and flesh. The second Ram woke up, it would be the end. Either the end of her or even the end of everybody in this tower if the ‘Witch of Envy’ felt particularly vengeful. In either case, it would be the end of him because he was not going to let Ram die from his mistakes. 

He knew even hoping against hope was madness because Ram was now privy to his special relationship with Satella. Even if Satella and the ‘Witch of Envy’ were two different people, it would be the same for Ram and the rest of the world. The witch would never forgive that, she would never forgive the fact that he shared her most precious secret. It was a miracle she didn’t already end Ram. Maybe she did, but instead of targeting Ram’s heart, she targeted her brain. Maybe Ram had been brain dead from the beginning. 

Subaru knew he was still safe from her wrath, but he could feel the ‘Witch of Envy’ looming over him. He could feel his body becoming colder as if her growing shadow over him shielded him from any warmth. Even if she wasn’t here, it was only a question of time. She would either come to him when Ram woke up or he would come to her when Ram didn’t. 

If it wasn’t for the greenroom's never-ending care, Subaru’s fingers would have already become shapeless goo of flesh and bones in his mouth. Living on in this loop was uselessness itself, but Subaru found himself unable to stop it. He couldn’t let go of the last glimpse of hope in his heart just yet, in this he was weak. 

Subaru finally freed his fingers from the clench of his jaw and interlaced them in a bloody prayer.

“Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.” 

He didn’t have any fancy words to say, he could only express his distress in the barest of ways. As pathetic as he sounded, Subaru didn’t even know who he was begging for salvation. The gods of this world, the land itself, the divine dragon, Od Laguna, or even the dark one herself. He prayed to all of them equally.

“Please, save Ram from myself. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.” 

He rocked himself back and forth with each plea, even though his voice was erratic, he kept it as quiet as possible. Beatrice was still peacefully asleep on the bed next to him and he couldn’t let her witness how desperate he was becoming. She would get so worried about him, not knowing why he was like that in the first place. She would weep for him and cry for him but he didn’t deserve her sympathy.

“Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.” 

It was his fault and his fault only. He should have been smarter, he should have thought quicker when he gave them the books. No, he shouldn’t even let this happen in the first place. He should have shown more prudence, more fortitude, more diligence. And now, he could do nothing but entrust the salvation of his friends to fate.

“I swear, I swear, if you give me another chance, I will do my best to become worthy of it. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.”

He broke off his pitiful prayer and clapped his head between his hands as if to keep it from falling off his neck. His mind already drowned in a grotesque amalgam of hope and despair, it couldn’t produce a single coherent thought beyond primitive pleas for help. But his body and something deep inside his chest continued to chant for mercy as if it was second nature.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I can do better. I will stop being so ungrateful, I will stop being so insolent, I will stop being so slothful.” 

His heart beat faster and faster, pumping blood to his brain at an impossible speed. Instead of getting clearer from the influx of oxygen, his mind burst from accumulated pressure. All that remained was a primal need for love and salvation.

“Please, forgive me for my transgression.” 

If his brain was too lost in defective presumptions and fallible speculations about how to salvage this helpless situation, his heart knew who to turn to. It knew who he betrayed with his arrogant indolence.

“The one who loves me, the one who I love… Her favor will salvage us.” 

If Subaru could still understand what his mouth spoke, he would be revulsed. But any rationality died when the fear of the witch consumed him. The only time such terror overtook him was when the archbishop of wrath fed him his own fear over and over again. This time, there was no need for magic or authorities to enter the vicious circle of fear, the realization of his deadly mistake had been enough to kickstart it.

“This is the only way, the only hope.” 

Subaru freed his head from his own grasp and looked at the ceiling as if he could see the sky through it. The stars were watching over him, she was watching over him, she always did. Yet his consciousness rejected her, but now that he was free from his worldly mind, he could finally accept her divine love. It was the only way to salvation, his heart told him so.

The beacon of salvation was in front of him, he just needed to accept him. Only her favors could save him from her wrath, it was certainty itself. How could he have overlooked this fact for so long? Was his sudden realization a blasphemy? After rejecting her for so long, was groveling in front of her only when he needed her insulting?

“Let me repent in your splendid love, I beg you.” 

As long as he loved her out of fear, his redemption would be out of reach, he needed to fear her out of love. He needed to refute everything but pure, pristine, untouched love. He needed to refute everything but absolute, undiluted, perfect fear.

“I beg you.”

The delusion carrying his thought went crescendo as one of the most alien parts of his heart rejoiced. The intensity of those feelings was too much for Subaru’s wordly body and his brain started to fuse uncontrollably. He suddenly collapsed as every muscle in his body slacken and his incoherent stuttering mind finally crashed completely into oblivion. His brain then desperately tried to shock itself back into resuscitating his mind only to contort his whole body in an impossible position. The tension grew and grew to the point that even his lungs couldn’t expand anymore. When the tension peaked, his brain released its deadly hold over every cell in its body and started to merge into a storm of disjointed activity. His body relaxed only to then shake and shake as his brain trembled in a sea of electricity and chemicals.

Subaru’s body unconsciously spasmed silently on the cold floor of the green room when his prayers were finally answered. 

Ram opened her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey, hey! Hope you like the chapter! Every comments are appreciated, I need to know how to improve, especially since the next chapters are going to be very hard to write ><
> 
> Next chapter: The Victim, The witness, The Judge and The Executioner.


	9. The Victim, The witness, The Judge and The Executioner.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anastasia's deduction skills are put to the test.

Standing in the middle of one of 'The Pleiades Tower's' lower levels, Meili threw back a tiny ball at Patrasche, who sent it back with a headbutt. Once again, she was bored out of her mind, at least she had found someone to play with this time. She had really underestimated how cool Patrasche could be, the ground dragon was actually playing with her instead of leaving her alone. Both Anastasia and Julius had locked themselves in the carriage to talk, most likely about some juicy stuff they didn’t want to share with the ex-assassin. 

She couldn’t blame them, she tried and failed to kill one of their own. It was a miracle that Subaru hadn't thrown her into a meat grinder and fed his beloved Patrasche; she was grateful to even be alive at this very moment. 

However, she could barely keep herself from spying on the merchant and her knight. She was pretty sure that Anastasia would try to get the upper-hand on Subaru but she didn’t know how. She was one of the most cunning and successful merchants of her time, Meili would be surprised if she had actually played nice and hadn't abused this opportunity to learn more about one of her rivals. 

The only thing needed to learn about the merchant's plan was to glue her ear on the carriage's door. But not only would Patrasche snitch on her poor attempt at spying but it would only fester more distrust in the group. 

Rolling her eyes and sitting on the ground defeated, she quickly gave up on her espionage career. The only thing keeping her safe and sound was Subaru’s naive trust and she couldn’t betray him again; she would have to put her curiosity aside... once again. 

* * *

Laying on one of the carriage’s benches, Anastasia placed her head on her knight's lap. It was quite disgraceful of a Lady to be this intimate with a man she barely knew, but she was sure that he wouldn’t try anything inappropriate. Moreover, his gentle presence made her feel safe enough to think clearly. Forgetting him had been a real tragedy, but at least, it allowed her to discover him again. 

“If you wish to rest, my lady, please do. I will watch over you.” Julius slid his fingers through Anastasia’s hair, he used to do so frequently before his unfortunate meeting with the 'Witch Cult'.   
“Ya are the one who needs sleep.” Even though he smiled at her, Anastasia was no fool, she knew he was struggling to keep his eyes open. “I’m sure we can both take a good nap!”   
“I will sleep later, my lady. No need to worry…” he said softly, he wanted to sound vigorous but he almost whined as he spoke.   
“Nothin' bad will happen if ya sleep an hour or two.” Anastasia pouted, she had to find better arguments. “If y’re really worried, I’m sure your little maidens can watch over us.” 

As soon as said those words, the six little spirits erupted from beneath Julius’ cape and started to whirl around him. They shone so brightly that they almost blinded them, as much as Julius loved them, he could barely look at them without shying away. The green spirit, blessed by the winds, started to swirl around his head, invoking a gale to ruffle his hair. 

“I think this lady agrees with me,” Anastasia laughed as she watched the six spirits following the green one's example. “Scratch that, they all agree with me. Ya are truly a lady’s man.”   
“I am truly lucky to have them by my side.” To think he almost lost them to the archbishop's curse and his own selfishness; he didn’t know if he could have carried on if they had chosen not to renew their contract with him. “They are my pride and joy.”   
“So let them help ya!” Another gust of wind emphasized her statement. “They want to take care of their contractor, can ya blame them?” 

The six spirits placed themselves around the top of his head akin to a crown of lights. They didn’t know why, but doing as such felt strangely familiar. They had met Julius only a month ago but everything about him bewitched them and it wasn’t solely due to his unique blessing. 

None of them could remember why they were bound to him yet none could let go; even leaving his sight felt like they were committing a grave sin. It was only when he broke their aberrant contract that they finally understood what drew them to him: the unconditional love he had for them. So they chose to learn to love him back and they didn’t regret their choice for a single second. 

The air spirit buzzed with delight, “Ahohahoh” She was eager to watch over her dear contractor; none of them were blind to his extreme exhaustion, he needed to rest urgently.   
“I’m honored by your concerns but I cannot rest until, at the very least, lady Emilia wakes up.” He yet again tried to smile, only to look even more tired than before.   
“I understand bu-... Wait. Why Emilia especially? Ram is still asleep too,” she frowned. Where did this unexpected bout of favoritism come from?   
“Ah yes, I forgot to inform you about this... misadventure. Unfortunately, Lady Emilia had been the first one to wake up.”   
She echoed him, “Unfortunately?” She didn’t understand how she could be the first one to wake up and be one of the last at the same time. “Wait a minute. She read anotha book?”   
“Yes... While Subaru and I were still busy talking about… something, Lady Emilia opened Lady Beatrice’s book.”  
“Ya are pullin' my leg, ain't ya? Of all people to break the promise, it’s Emilia?” she almost laughed, at the end, Subaru had been betrayed by his closest allies and love of his life.   
“I can only assume she had been in quite a state of shock to so blatantly tarnish her promise. She didn’t even wait to stand up before throwing herself on Lady Beatrice’s book.”   
“Dear God…” 

Anastasia felt nauseous, reading a single book had been enough to mess her up, who knew what reading another one could to somebody? 

At this very moment, she was still under the terrible influence of the book of the dead, her heart having yet to calm down from her untimely death. Even though her body was blank of any scars or wounds, the arm she lost was still restless; she could barely keep it from jolting around. 

“One more reason to rest, sir Julius,” she sighed. “Those books are drivin’ us crazy, sleep deprivation will only make ya more susceptible to its influence.”  
“You will not relinquish?” he exhaled in defeat.  
“Never.”   
“Then let’s make a deal.”   
“Now, ya talkin’!” she grinned, her knight knew how to speak her language, it seemed.   
“I will do as you tell me… Once Lady Emilia and Miss Ram wake up.”  
“I don’t see how this deal would satisfy me, or your lovely ladies, in any way.” She raised an eyebrow in disappointment.   
“You are right, my lady, it is absolute nonsense.” He shook his head. “Lady Emilia waking up doesn’t mean she is out of trouble. I should stay alert until she feels herself again, who knows what might happen if we drop our guard too soon?” He played with a strand of his own hair feigning deep thinking.  
“Alright, let me stop ya…”   
“In fact, I shouldn’t rest until we get out of this tower or even until we get past the mabeast fields…”  
“Ok, ok. I get yar point. No need to say more” She had underestimated him, he was ruthless. “Even just sayin’ those kinds of things upset your little maidens.”   
“I hope we have an agreement, then. I will sleep for a full week if it pleases you... after the ladies' awakening.” He gave her his best smile as compensation for his shameful behavior. Even with the purest intention, blackmail remained a disgrace.   
“It's a deal, then... ya monster.” She rolled her eyes, she had less leverage than she had thought and he played her. He was truly worthy of being her knight. “How many people did you fool with that pretty face of yours. You act like a knight but ya are a shark.”   
“I learned from the best.” 

From the six spirits crowning Julius’ head, five of them bounced in agreement; the last one flew away from Julius to put herself in a corner of the carriage. 

“Somebody doesn’t agree, it seems.” Anastasia pointed at the black spirit, she didn’t even know bodiless spirits could sulk.   
“Ah, yes. Nes can be quite greedy…”  
“Like yours truly.” Anastasia started to like the little yin spirit’s mindset.  
“She does remind me of you, yes. She wants it all…” he looked fondly at Nes, he should have known she wouldn’t accept to compromise. “But she will have to wait anyway.”

A little puff of black smoke burst out of the spirit’s body. Nes knew she fought a lost fight, but she couldn’t let her contractor push himself beyond his limit. How dare he make her fall for him only to put himself in danger just after? This one was one of the cruelest humans she had ever seen. 

“Now, please rest, my lady. If not for yourself, then for everyone who worries about you.”   
“I thought I was greedy, but ya are even more selfish. Asking that of me…” she looked at him one last time before closing her eyes, it wasn’t time to argue anymore.   
“I know.” 

Now that she had painfully dragged out a promise from her exhausted knight; she could focus on what was tormenting her since she woke up: the identity of her murderer. 

She tried to let it go, after all her murder only happen in her head… But she couldn’t, her body would not let her forget. She did die, she did feel despair, she did yearn for death. All of that because of them. Even if they weren’t aimed at her, the killer’s murderous intentions were real. 

The killer had heard her scream and cry and they only tortured her further. It didn’t matter if they had heard Subaru’s voice instead of hers, she couldn’t forgive them. She had been innocent, Subaru had been innocent, they did nothing to deserve such a cruel punishment. 

Her mind couldn't let it go, her body couldn’t let it go; the alien pain traveling through her arm was all the proof she needed. 

She would have asked Subaru for an answer, however, it was not an option. First, she would have to admit to deceiving him; second, the man seemed to have a knack for lying his way through when he felt cornered. Her best bet was to ask a few inconspicuous questions and piece the puzzle back together herself. 

Her trip down Subaru memories began when she woke up in a large bed at Roswaal's mansion. Both Ram and her sister, Rem, were by her side and immediately started to tease the poor man. 

If she didn't get to live Subaru's childhood, it most likely meant that she only got to witness what happened between two of his deaths. Ergo Subaru had the immense pleasure of dying twice in less than a week. What an unlucky lad. 

However, neither Ram nor Rem acted as if they just witnessed somebody coming back from the dead. If Ram's reaction to learning about Subaru's books was genuine, she was never made aware of his disturbing blessing. Which could only mean two things: Either Subaru died alone and was found after the facts or Subaru's resurrections happened so fast that nobody noticed he died in the first place. 

Both were possible, however, Anastasia favored the second one. It was highly unlikely that he only had died (and he must have died at least forty times since he met Emilia) when no witnesses were around, especially with his participation in multiple high profile battles. For all she knew, he even died in front of them during the conquest of the Tower. 

From what she saw in the book, his death seemed to be followed by a certain amount of deep sleep. If it was his ‘resurrection pattern’ then it meant that one of the Gabaous under the tower killed him before Shaula rescued them. It made sense, Echidna did tell her that him surviving the mabeast’s attack had been a miracle. 

What a ‘miracle’, indeed. 

After coming to this conclusion, she tried to find a way to interrogate Subaru on what happened to her without raising his suspicion. Unfortunately for her, she only had the time between her coming back to her senses and him asking them to leave the greenroom to think about the best questioning strategy; she would have milked more information if she had more time to prepare. But it was too late for regrets, she had to settle with what she already knew for now. 

Right before leaving Subaru with the oddly mute Beatrice, she had managed to hook some very precious information out of him. All that remained was to analyze his every word; sometimes a small slip of the tongue could be a treasure cove of info. 

When she had first approached him, she had no choice but to talk as if she read the book he actually gave her. A herculean task as she didn’t know what this book held or what he expected her to know; and most importantly, what he expected her to be unaware of. 

She only had two leads: 

First, she woke up in the mansion, so Subaru most likely died in the mansion or its surrounding. 

Second, from her conversations with the mansion's inhabitants, he already met Beatrice at least once before dying. As the tiny spirit was bound to the library, Subaru and she likely met at the mansion. Therefore, he most likely died in the mansion right before her book's events. 

It was true that he could have met Beatrice before going out of the mansion, dying there, and then having been brought back to the mansion by the maids. This possibility made her uncomfortable but it was the less likely option and the worst-case scenario. Thus she decided to gamble and play the game of talking at cross-purposes. 

Still, resting on her knight's lap, she took a deep breath and rememorated her fateful conversation with friend and adversary in this intelligence. 

_ ‘I just have a tiny question…’ She moistened her lips, if she was wrong in her assumptions, then she was toasted. ‘About our death at the mansion…’  _

_ 'Yes… what of it?’ he scratched the back of his head, visibly uneasy.  _

_ ‘Well…” she drew out her words as she internally rejoiced, her gamble had worked. Now she could ask the question she had in mind. ‘I have to admit, I didn’t really understand what happened.’  _

_ ‘Ah, well, it’s complicated.’ He threw a quick look at the closed door before speaking again. ‘We fell… victim to a… malevolent individual. But don’t think too much about it.’ he bit his lips, obviously weighing his words.  _

_ ‘Ah.’ she grimaced, so the poor chap had been killed twice in a row. ‘Well, did someone infiltrate the mansion or somethin’?’ Maybe the one who killed him the first time came back to the mansion to finish their job? Then it made her mission easier.  _

_ ‘Infiltrate?’ He looked taken by surprise. ‘Ah! No, no, no. I see why you would think that but nobody can sneak into the mansion unnoticed. Especially when my Beako stands guard!’ He flashed a smile at Beatrice, hoping his praises would make her smile back. ‘Argh… In fact, Roswaal was at the mansion too, even James Bond would have been spotted as soon as he looked at the mansion funny!’  _

_ ‘Really? I thought he could do anythin’!’ she laughed but without understanding why. Who was 'James Bond' and why this name felt familiar?  _

_ ‘As I said, nothing can escape Beako's watchful eyes.’ He looked at Beatrice again. ‘Anyway, I would love to say more but trust me, it’s really complicated.’ He put a hand on her shoulder and then whispered into her ear. ‘And there are some questions you don’t want the answer to.’  _

The ugly conclusion to draw was that however killed Subaru was one of the mansion’s inhabitants; as no outsiders could have used the night to sneak inside the mansion. It meant however bashed her brain in and poisoned her beforehand was somebody Subaru knew. His betrayed expression as he warned her against ‘knowing too much’ was only more proof. For all she knew, their murderer was one of their comrade of misfortune. It should be impossible, nobody would choose to go on a deadly mission with their wannabe killer but Subaru had proved otherwise. 

She audibly ground her teeth as she thought about Meili’s little stunt, “Ugh.” She had wondered how Subaru could act so nonchalantly after what happened; she had her answer now: he was insane, absolutely insane. He must have his skull cracked open way too many times. 

“Shhhh.” Julius noticed his lady discomfort. “Please, do not worry. I am by your side, always.” 

She unconsciously smiled, both at her knight’s sweet words and at the absurdity of the situation. Somebody killed him like a dog, poisoned him, tortured him, and even betrayed him; and not only did he carry on with his life but he also forgave the monster who did that to him? She didn’t know if she should pity him or fear him, but she would never be able to look at him the same way again. 

If Subaru was mad enough to go on after what happened, she couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. She would never be able to sleep peacefully again knowing that there was a monster lurking by her side. 

Her killer was not simply an unfeeling assassin, they most likely took pleasure in torturing her. If not, why would they poison her with such a slow-acting poison? Why would they mangle her in such a gruesome way? Why would they mercilessly let her bleed out on the cold floor? 

Even the most vicious mabeasts were not this cruel. 

On the day of her murder, the ones present at the mansion were: Subaru, Emilia, Beatrice, Ram, Rem, and Lord Roswaal. She also knew that the Emilia faction included Otto Suwen, the demi-human Garfiel, and his sister. Nonetheless, if her intel were true, they only came to the faction after the battle with ‘White Whale. Thus only Emilia (his lover), Beatrice (his kind adoptive sister), Ram (his harsh yet loyal friend), Rem (his beloved sleeping beauty), and Lord Roswaal (his benefactor) remained.

As much as she tried fighting against the vivid memories of her slow death flashing endlessly in her mind, she knew she needed to revisit them at least once more. Even now, she could hear the incessant rattling of chains in the distance. If it hadn't been for the safety of Julius’ comforting aura, she would have already broken down again. Even as she tried to coax him into taking some rightful rest, a small part of her had hoped for his refusal; she even had forgotten to repress her smile when he had the final word. 

She bit her lips in guilt, wondering if she would have reasoned with her knight more effectively if her heart hadn’t been so weak. But now that she had his protection, she planned to make the most of it and come to terms with what happened to her. 

After a few minutes of struggling to control her breathing, Anastasia dove deep into her memories.

Fortunately, she managed to distance herself from the pain she felt in the book, however, the feelings of despair and helplessness remained as sharp as before. She closed her eyes tighter, forcing herself to stay in the moment of her death to analyze what happened to her. 

Her greatest question was: Would the killer have noticed (her) Subaru’s death? 

Seeing the explosion of blood and gore preceding her death, the answer was obviously yes. Subaru had been alone with an enemy that he couldn’t stop and had nowhere to hide even if he had awoken back to life. Did whoever targeted him believed him dead? Or did they witnessed his rebirth and decided to spare him? 

The culprit either became aware of Subaru’s ‘extreme regenerative abilities’ during or after the fact or they just never met him again to notice he came back to the world of the living. The latter was impossible as her list of suspects only included long term allies, thus the killer must have become aware of Subaru’s blessing after killing him. She could only imagine how dreadful it would be to meet face-to-face the man you thought you had killed. 

Noticing his master's discomfort, Julius put his hand over her eyes, isolating her even more from the outside world. “Rest at ease, Lady Anastasia.”

If the sudden increase in darkness bothered her, she said nothing. She was too engrossed in her thought, reviewing the reactions her ‘friends’ had when they found out about Subaru’s gift. She had always been confident in her people reading skills; she was known for being able to pick up the smell of a bluff from miles away. 

Emilia, Ram, and Beatrice's reactions were too genuine to be facked. At least for people of their caliber, with all the respect Anastasia had for them, they were all lousy liars. Emilia was the worst one by far, but Ram’s body told what her mouth kept secret and Beatrice’s poker face was nonexistent. 

As none of them would have been surprised by the reveal if they were the murderer: Emilia, Beatrice, and Ram were all unlikely suspects. The murderer would have been shocked by the existence of the books maybe, but not by Subaru’s confession. 

The only remaining suspects were the ever-sleeping Rem and Lord Roswaal. Before everything that happened in the tower, she would have considered crossing Rem off the list of suspects by virtue of Subaru’s affection toward her. However, Subaru may have been unaware of the murderer’s identity, and his 'management' of the ‘Meili’s crisis’ had thrown all her bet off the table. Not only could he forgive those who betrayed him if they offered half an apology, but he also could act as if nothing happened afterward. 

There were only two plausible explanations, Subaru was either a madman or a master manipulator waiting for his vengeance. If what she lived in his book was a representative sample of his daily life, then the former was incredibly likely. 

Roswaal or Rem? 

Rem or Roswaal? 

Rem? 

Roswaal? 

Both? 

None? 

She had always been taught in masters in her craft that her worst enemy would be an overzealous instinct. That no matter how sharp it was, it would fail her one day and that she had to prepare herself for it. The only way to protect herself against what was also her greatest asset was to be as thorough and organized as possible. 

Following the scientific method loved by Hoshin, she had to choose a hypothesis and explore it as exhaustively as feasible. She decided to first go for Roswaal, as Rem was the most unlikely of the pair, even Subaru couldn’t look so lovingly at someone who willingly tortured him, right? 

Against Roswaal were the facts that he was a man shrouded in mystery and seemingly disliked by his own camp. She could also imagine the old clown keeping Subaru’s blessing a secret as a way to manipulate the young boy. For an unknown reason, Subaru seemed adamant in keeping his power a secret, maybe to protect Emilia from its unfortunate implications. The poor girl had been completely destroyed by the news, he had been wise in keeping this information to himself. 

In Roswaal’s defense, she couldn’t phantom why the most powerful magician in the country would use such barbaric methods to kill his target. Even if he wanted to torture his victim, Roswaal could do much better than beating someone to death with a chain. Maybe he wanted to conceal his identity as Subaru’s murderer, but then again he could have used his magic to mysteriously whisk away his unwanted guest. Moreover, he had no reason to accept Subaru as his guest if he wanted to kill just a few days after. Finally, if Roswaal had kept Subaru near him to see if he was a threat or not, then he did nothing suspicious in her eyes. 

Putting Roswaal aside, Anastasia started to think about her other suspect: Rem. She noticed that the maid had been looking at her oddly during her trip in the book. Rem had said it was because of Subaru’s unkempt hair and even then Anastasia had trouble believing her. Still, she had had no reason to think that the maid hid malicious intent... until now. 

Even thinking about the possibility that she traveled with her tormentor, torturer and murder made her head boil in fear and rage. She could hear the rattling of the chain getting louder and nearer as the possibility of Rem’s culpability became more plausible. 

Anastasia violently shook her left and right to dispel the thought: it couldn’t be, it just couldn’t be. She was safe now, she wasn't in the same place as her murderer. The chains couldn’t get to her anymore. 

Rem could not be the one. It must have been Roswaal or she had been misled since the beginning. Maybe Subaru knew she took the wrong book and fed her false information. 

Suddenly, she heard an unfamiliar buzzing overwhelming the sound of chains in her ears; and for the first time since she woke up, she finally relaxed. Then waves after waves of a pleasant feeling went through her entire body. She recognized this tingling, it was water magic infusing itself in her bloodstream. 

“My apologies, I know you did not consent to this spell, but you must sleep. You have every right to be mad at me when you wake up.” 

She barely heard Julius’ voice through the ringing in her ears, she tried to ask him to stop as she still had much thinking to do but her tongue was already too heavy to move. She couldn’t even scoff at Julius’ hypocrisy; he had no right to force her to sleep when he was on the verge of collapse himself. 

Her mind lashed on the memory of her few days with Rem and Roswaal one last time before drifting fast into sleep. 

Roswaal or Rem? Or none of them? 

Rem or Roswaal? 

Rem? 

Rem? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the wait, I was kind of blocked for a few days, hehe... Hope this chapter pleases you even though not too much happens in it. The next chapter will be more... action-oriented. 
> 
> Next Chapter: What We Wish For


	10. What We Wished For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anastasia + Emilia + Beatrice + Julius = 3

Julius had been looking at the carriage's ceiling for more than an hour, keeping himself as still as he could. He had to resort to unsavory tricks in order to put his lady at ease; he couldn't risk waking her up because of his restlessness. Therefore, he looked at the ceiling, unmoving, forcing himself to think about nothing. 

His fight against his hyperactive mind was vain as all his senses kept tormenting him with factitious stimuli. He was no stranger to unknown shadows moving in the corner of his eyes, the battlefield tended to carve those into one's vision for all eternity. However, it wasn’t about games of light and simple mind tricks anymore; he could feel motion beneath his skin. 

If he closed his eyes, he could feel it under his eyelids too. 

Had he been alone in his misery, he would have taken out his sword and slid it under his skin; finally killing the evil living inside his body. He was well aware that it was madness; nothing was eating him from inside, the sensations beneath his skin and inside his chest were nothing but hallucinations. Driving his sword through his chest would not save him from the illness gnawing him slowly... not in the way he wanted at least. 

If he refused to sleep in the name of protecting his lady, it wasn’t his only reason to stay wide awake. In fact, he did try to rest when he was still in the library with Subaru. He had closed his eyes and even rested his head on his arms, however, he had jolted awake right after. No matter how many times he tried to fall asleep, his body refused, screaming at him to stay awake despite his exhaustion. If he tried to force his body still, then it was his mind that tormented him. 

Even closing his eyes was forbidden, as the stillness of darkness invited the horrid sensations back beneath his skin. Even the slow motion of his little spirits floating around him was putting him on edge. He wanted to shout at them to stay still, maybe even ordering them to leave him alone and never come back. Horrible things he would never forgive himself for, but thoughts eating away his mind nonetheless. As much as he loved them, he couldn’t differentiate their presence with the threat lurking inside and outside him anymore. 

Even the feeling of his Lady's hair on his laps was unbearable, a part of him wanted to toss her away and– 

Still, he couldn’t, he wouldn’t let himself fall so low. He had no choice but to carry on, to stay awake and aware until they reached safety. Hopefully, once they exit this tower, the false sensations would stay where they belonged: inside this dreadful library. 

He just needed to hold on until then. 

He could feel his little buds buzzing around him; none of them could speak, yet their anxiety was apparent. Had it happen before their blooming, most of them would have felt his torpor without understanding it. However, ever since they became fully-fledged spirits – allowing them to reach a new level of awareness – he couldn't hide anything from them anymore. He was proud of them and their newfound understanding of the world around them, yet he couldn't help but regret simpler times, where protecting them was easier. Now, nothing could protect them from the horror of the world. 

He was about to check for his little maiden's wellbeing when a loud thud echo in the carriage. The sound was so unexpected and abrupt that he instinctively stood up and drew his sword, letting his beloved lady unceremoniously fall on the carriage’s hard floor. 

Subaru’s voice boomed in the carriage as he violently knocked on the carriage’s window, “ _Julius! Anastasia!!!_ ”

Both concerned parties looked at the window, only to find Subaru trying to force open the carriage's door. 

“ _Come on!_ ” Subaru knocked on the door once more. 

Anastasia could only look at Subaru’s bloodshot eyes. If him almost foaming at the mouth in fury had not been enough to frighten her, then the dry blood caking his shin and neck, as well as his fingers, sent chills in her spine. She behind her knight, trying as hard as she could to stay calm and composed but the rustle of the abused carriage’s handle was too much for her to bear. Its echoes reminded her of the dancing of chains across the floor, the one that ended her life. 

After a few seconds of paralyzed shock, Julius opened the door with one hand, still holding his blade in the other. Unlike Anastasia, he did not fear his friend or his fury, only but what must have put him in that sorry state scared him. 

As soon as the door unlocked, Subaru slammed it open and got in the carriage, standing only a few each away from Julius’ face. 

“Have you seen Ram?” he panted laboriously. “Please, tell me you have seen Ram.” 

“I'm sorry.” Julius shook his head in response. 

“Anastasia?” Subaru looked at her in hopeful despair. 

“Last time I saw her was in the Greenroom, sleepin' next to her sister.” 

Subaru’s eyes widened before closing them shut in resignation, he then jumped out of the carriage to reunite with Meili and Patrasche. Anastasia, Julius, and the half-asleep Echidna followed suit, closing the door behind them. None of them dared to approach Subaru nor the ever-silent Beatrice, who had been holding Subaru’s hand since the beginning. 

Patrasche stood up and started walking around her master, trying to evaluate his well-being. She even tried to lick away the blood staining his face, unfortunately, Subaru avoided her approach and walked back a few steps. Patrasche stopped her pursuit, understanding his non-verbal cue: he was in no mood for comfort, neither was the small Beatrice. 

“If you told us what happened, maybe we could help you search for her?” Meili was the first one to speak up. “I mean~, weren’t you supposed to be with her?” 

“I-I… yes but I fell asleep…” Subaru looked at the ground perplexed. He couldn’t even remember what happened before Beatrice had woken him up. 

“You have a ve~ry special way to fall asleep then~” She took a good look at Subaru. The only way she would believe him was if he told her that Ram smacked him on the head on her way out.

“Did ya get attacked?” Anastasia asked timidly. Shyness didn’t suit her, but the raw fear of her ‘final moment’ was still ingrained deep inside her mind. And a single name flashed before her eyes: Rem, Rem, Rem. 

Subaru looked at Beatrice for answers, if somebody knew it would be her, “No, I didn’t... I must have bitten my tongue, that’s all.” he moved his tongue inside his mouth, if he really did bite it, then the Greenroom already erased any traces of damage. 

Beatrice repressed the need to shake her head; she had seen him convulsing and spasming helplessly in front of her. The healing magic of the Greenroom would stop his erratic twitching only for it to resume a few seconds later. She had to pour the few drops of mana left in her to enhance the room power and finally free her contractor from his strange affliction. Once again, she failed him. She dropped her guard and he suffered from it. 

She would not make the same mistake again. 

“Anyway, when I woke up she was already gone.” Subaru grimaced. “Worse, she took Rem’s weapon with her and broke the door’s lock from the outside.” He took Beatrice in his arms. “We had to force it open.”

“Curiouser and curiouser.” Julius sighed in exhaustion, unfortunately for him, their stay in this tower of death seemed to be extended once again. 

“Wait~ Why did you even bring a weapon for Rem? With all due respect to your miss maid, she isn’t really combat ready~.” Meili had seen the weapon in Rem's belonging, she wouldn't waste the opportunity to finally ask the question that had eaten her mind for too long. 

Anastasia perked up at Meili’s question, she was glad the young girl took the initiative. She didn’t dare ask it herself, the answer and its implications frightened her to no end. Ever since she woke up from her forced sleep, she could see nothing but the shadows of Rem and Roswaal in the corner of her eyes. As much as it was needed, flushing out the monster in their ranks was a frightening perspective. 

If it was confirmed to be Rem, could she even do it? Could she take the action necessary to protect herself and her allies? Could she do what must be done to free herself from the vortex of fear and paranoia? Would Julius or Echdina help her? Would she have to do it alone? 

“Now is not the time to ask futile questions” Echidna jumped on her master’s shoulder. 

She could feel her master’s anguish radiating in the whole room. Whatever was plaguing Anastasia’s mind must have been dreadful, as Echidna had never seen her struggle this much to keep her composure. 

She needed to have a private conversation with her master and friend as soon as possible. 

“Argh…” Subaru’s arms hung low in defeat. “We were supposed to wake her up, not that we did…” Thinking about the utter failure of the ‘Rem Emancipation Mission’ (R.E.M) was painful. “I thought she would want it for the way back, we still have the desert to go through again, you know?”

“ _Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!_ ” Meili audibly groaned. “I forgot about that, why did you have to remind me?” 

Meili opened one of the provision’s boxes and took some dried meat to munch on; they were still rationing but she had the feeling she wouldn’t get the opportunity to eat for a long time

Anastasia looked expectantly at Meili to see if she was about to carry on her line of questioning, but the girl seemed to have dropped the subject altogether. She would have to ask the one million coins question herself then. All she wished for was for an answer, any answer.

“Can I ask ya a question?” Anastasia revealed herself from behind Julius’ back and walked carefully toward Subaru. He appeared to have calmed down from his disorganized fury and settled into a crestfallen resignation. “So we can find Ram easier, ’f course.” 

“Anything,” answered Subaru. He still had high hopes, since he didn’t loop back or found her dead, it could mean the Witch had sparred them. 

“What’s Rem’s weapon?” She closed one eye in anticipation, restraining herself from shaking with all the willpower left in her. 

“Isn’t it some kind of Morning star? Meili interjected. “I rummaged through her bag, sorry~" she smiled to garner sympathy. “Don’t be mad at me, it was before... the ‘incident’.” 

“I can’t even be mad at you because you’re wrong. It’s a flail.” Subaru pinched Meili’s cheek as punishment for her (failed) indiscretion.

“What’s the difference?” Anastasia asked, she may have been a merchant but her trade of predilection was not weaponry. 

“If I may.” Julius cleared his throat, he was always willing to share his knowledge, even in the direst situation. “Unlike a Mace or a Morningstar, the flail is characterized by a long chain connecting its haft to its spiked head. It is particularly effective against a shielded opponent but lacks precision. Since it is a dreadful close-combat weapon, the user should always stay relatively far away from their opponent.” 

A chain. 

_Chains_.

As if a single word had been enough to summon it back, the deafening sound of chains trailing on the cold stone floor resurfaced with a vengeance. Anatasia clapped both her hands over her mouth, to keep the eruptions of bile from exiting her stomach. Unfortunately, she could feel the way too familiar burn in her nostrils as bile threaten to flow out of them. 

Echidna jumped off the shaking Anastasia’s shoulder and started to make her way out of the carriage room. “We should get going, as long as we don’t know where Ram is, we cannot rest easy.”

“But Lady Anastasia is-” 

“Extremely tired.” She interrupted Julius without hesitation before licking the back of her pawn. “I can guess you are familiar with this kind of exhaustion, sir Julius.” 

“However, Lady Anastasia is not-”

“And that’s why she should rest… in the Greenroom preferably. I will watch over her.” 

“So let’s take her there~ Then we’ll separate to cover more ground! I’m Team Patrasche!” Meili took one of Patrashe’s reins and used it to propel herself on the dragon back, she then offered her hand to help Anastasia get on behind her. 

"Are you sure we should make teams?" asked Subaru, the thought of wasting resources worried him. 

“If Miss Ram really did escape the Greenroom with her sister’s flail, and even took the time to lock the door behind her. Then I concur that a one-on-one meeting with her would not be a very good idea.” Julius’ shoulders dropped in exhaustion and despondency. “As long as we don’t know if she is… cooperative or not, we should stay on our guards.” 

Subaru wanted to retort but he had nothing to say, he knew how deadly this flail could be first hand. And he also knew how dangerous Ram could be when she felt the need to use violence, being hornless didn’t make her toothless and she was the kind to bite before barking. 

When Subaru first found out about Ram’s disappearance, he thought the Witch of Envy had offed her for daring to know the truth. It was only after noticing Rem’s bag missing and the broken lock that he understood that she had most likely fled the room. 

Not only did the Witch never took care of cleaning up her ‘mess’ before, but she would have no reason to steal a weapon or to block the door. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, some desperate mental gymnastics to believe in his friend’s survival; but as long as he didn’t find Ram’s lifeless body, he would not give up. 

However, nothing made sense. If he gave up on understanding the Witch of Envy a long time ago, he couldn’t understand why Ram would act so absurdly. Even if she was to fear him after learning about his relationship with Satella, she would never leave Rem behind. Rem still being peacefully asleep in her bed was a testament to Ram’s irrational behavior. 

The only Ram who would leave Rem behind but take a weapon... was a Ram out of her mind. 

“Subaru.” Julius put his hand on Subaru’s shoulder “Could you tell us how she died, so we can understand her behavior better? No need for the details, do not worry.” 

“That’s what I don’t understand.” Subaru balled his palms into fists. “She shouldn’t have reacted that way, she would be shocked, maybe even mad, but…” he trailed off, the situation was so senseless that he didn’t even know what to say anymore. 

“In that case, are you sure she took the right book?” Julius suggested. 

“Ram can be harsh, but she would never betray me like that.” 

Anastasia winced, so he considered it a betrayal. She had been wise in keeping her little ‘misappropriation’ a secret then. 

“Maybe ya counted the book wrong? Or ya miscalculated.” She suggested, hoping to change the topic. 

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t.” Subaru looked at Beatrice as if she could answer him. “When I gave Ram her book, I even took into consideration that you, Emilia, and Beatrice had already taken one." 

“And mine.” Julius looked at Subaru worried. 

“Excuse me?” Subaru blinked, not understanding Julius’ intervention. 

“You took into consideration the fact that Lady Anastasia, Lady Beatrice, Lady Emilia, and myself already took one of your books,” he elaborated, pointing at himself as he did so. 

Subaru froze into place: he had forgotten to take into account Julius' book. Ram didn’t get the dreaded tea-party nor his first painless death at Priestella, she got the loop right after: his fight with Sirius and his meeting with fear itself. 

Everything made sense, he messed up again. 

Instead of crying, this time he chose to laugh.

* * *

Away from the agitation taking place at the lower level of the ‘Pleiades Tower’, a trembling girl was curled up into a ball; after cramming herself into the tiniest cupboard she could find. The spikes of the flail she held for dear life were piercing her flesh, digging themself in soft belly skin, but she couldn’t let it go. 

Ram was shaking so much, she had to bite her tongue to keep the sound of her clacking teeth from being heard all throughout the tower. She had run, run, and run until she lost her breath and now she would hide there until her body stiffened into an unmoving statue. 

She couldn’t be seen. 

She couldn’t be found. 

She had to stay hidden, alone, out of reach. Where nothing could touch her. 

Where she could see nothing, where she could hear nothing, where she could feel nothing, where she could smell nothing, where she could taste nothing. 

It was nothing or death. 

No, not death, worse. 

So much worse. The worst. The worst of the worst. 

Everything around her was the worst. She knew, she just knew. She knew it like she knew that the sky was blue during the day and dark at night. 

There were only unfathomable horrors outside. And inside, there were only inescapable terrors. 

All of it waiting for her, waiting for the first sign of weakness. 

Her sense of fear was the only thing she could trust anymore, the other ones were lying to her. That was why she preferred to feel nothing over being fed lies by her own body.

Everything was a lie from her sight to her memories. Her thoughts were the worst offender. It did nothing but deceive her. 

The only true thing was fear, everything outside that was nothing but a deception. Deception meant to destroy her very being.

She would not fall for it. 

Ram hugged the flail’s head closer to her when she heard the sound of a door slamming open. One of the spikes tore open her skin, penetrating the fat of her belly and lodging itself inside her muscles and ligaments. She stopped breathing, not to keep the spike from diving deeper but to make as little noise as possible. 

Something was approaching, something was getting closer to her. Her primal instinct told her so, more complex thoughts could not form inside her brain anymore. 

“Ram? Ram?”

A strong voice shattered her mind. 

“ _Ram?_ Are you there?” 

Something knew her name. Something was searching for her. 

“ _Ram?_ If you’re there, show yourself! No need to be scared.”

Lies. 

“It’s only me, Subaru. Please, Ram, I’m so sorry!” 

The thing had a name and had a friend with it. 

“Beako, please search the other side of the dining room.” 

Ram covered her ears to keep any more horror from reaching her, unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to cover the sound of clattering metal falling on the floor. More noises erupted around her: hurried footsteps, slamming doors, wood banging against metal, voices hushing away… All of them to be feared. 

“Shit. She is not under the table.” 

She bit her tongue harder, she almost hid under the table. 

“Come on, Ram. I know you are scared, no, terrified. And I know you don’t want me to find you, or else I could feel where you are.” 

The thing could feel where she was. 

She was finished

Done for. 

Doomed. 

“Beatrice.” 

Ram dug her fingers so deep into her ears, she could virtually touch her eardrums, yet the noises kept reaching her. They drowned the few coherent thoughts remaining in her mind, the terror melting it into a boiling mix of primal fear and blinding rage. The outside was coming inside her mind and it was terrifying. 

“Can you check inside the cupboard?” 

The thing knew where she was. 

She used what little space she had to kick the door of the cupboard open and send it flying to the other side of the room. She then fell out of it on all four, right in front of one of the things. 

One of the things was standing before her.

“...” 

It was radiating mana like a burning sun made of power and malice. It looks at her with big unblinking eyes, staring into her very soul. Its hands reached for her, seeking to extinguish her, to drain her for all life. 

She roared at the thing, her mind too empty to come up with anything else to defend herself. Still on her hands and knees, she bolted past the thing before standing up and running toward the door. 

Just before exiting the room, something grabbed her from behind, almost making her trip on the ground. She looked behind her and met eye to eye with her other persecutor. 

Its eyes were made of Evil itself. They could only be sported by the Witch and its creature. 

She let a burst of wind come out of her hand, slashing everything in front of her. She didn't even summon it, it just came to be, as if it birthed from the terror inside of her itself. The winds were so strong that they propelled her out of the room, crashing her into a wall. 

She rolled on the ground, letting the blood from her punctured stomach flow on the stone floor. When she opened her eyes, she could see directly into the dining room she just flew off. Just in front of her, laid the witch beast she slew, unmoving on the ground. The other beast ran next to it and kneeled by its side. A powerful blue light engulfed them and the kneeling beast looked at her with pure unadulterated rage. 

Ram barely had the time to get up and roll out of the way when crystal shards crashed behind her. She took one of the sharpest ones and ran away as fast as she could, leaving behind her flail in an effort to flee as fast as she could. What was lost was lost. She couldn’t look behind, she could only look forward, only trusting the boiling fear inside her to guide her. 

Each step was more painful than the last one, as blood still dripped from her abdomen: the corset around her waist being the only thing containing the hemorrhage. A few droplets of blood escaped it, staining the dark floor and leaving an almost imperceptible trail behind her. 

Laying on the floor of one of the tower's small kitchen, Subaru was looking at Beatrice as she held his arm close to her chest. The sight would have been lovely, had she not been standing three feet away from him. He was still trying to understand the situation when he felt the familiar tingle of healing magic coursing through him, warming him with his Beatrice's mana and love for him. He would have joked about being the luckiest man in the world if he hadn't been so exhausted. 

Even with the miracle of magic, it took him a few minutes before he managed to think straight again; thus he thought nothing of it when he heard something loud crashing just behind him. All he could do was focus on his little spirit's face, his mind fixated on finding a way to cure her sadness. 

“Beako…” 

All the fury in Beatrice’s eyes melted when she heard Subaru calling her name. She closed them and focused on healing him, if she tried hard enough, maybe she could restore his arm completely. 

The task was almost an impossible one for her, few were those who would accomplish such a miracle. She not only had to make the blood flow back inside it again, but she also had to reconnect every vessel and every nerve, she had to bring life back into a dead thing. 

She was still drained from the fight against Shaula, she had barely any mana left... but she couldn’t let it stop her. If she had to dip inside her own life force to restore her Subaru; she would do it. 

Still too drained to grasp the gravity of the situation, Subaru let himself relax and breathed in what seemed like his first breath since his awakening in the Greenroom. He had prayed so hard to save Ram from seeing the Witch Party, only to have her meet a worse fate. Even dying by the hand of the Witch of Envy herself would have been sweeter than drowning endlessly in a sea of terror. 

When he understood the gravity of his mistake, he took Beatrice and ran to save Ram from the fear consuming her. But yet again, he only made things worse. 

At least, he hoped he didn’t hurt Anastasia, Meili, Patrasche, and Julius when he left them behind. 

* * *

After powerlessly watching Subaru and Beatrice bolt out of the room, Anastasia let herself be guided by Julius. 

They agreed among themselves that Meili and Patrasche would follow Subaru’s footsteps and set themselves at Ram’s research posthaste. Julius would join the search party after seeing to his lady’s safety by bringing her to the greenroom. 

“Anastasia won’t be alone, she will have me and one of your spirits by her side,” reassured Echidna. 

She didn’t have Julius’ wellbeing in mind when she said that; not that she didn’t care about the knight, far from it. She simply needed a moment of privacy to discuss urgent matters with Anatasia. She could see her master dripping with worries and fears. She needed Anastasia to be truthful with her, and she knew the knight's presence would only hinder her. 

When they arrived in front of the green room door, they found it half-open; not surprising, after what Subaru told them. 

Echidna pushed the door open with one of her pawns. She took a few steps in it and sat on the empty bed across Rem’s. 

“Where’s Emilia?” 

Echidna took a quick look around the room when she heard Julius’ question, realizing that no beds were meant to be empty. 

“Fuck.” 

Julius had never been one to tolerate swearing from his Lady, but this time he let it slide. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you're not too mad at me for the plot twist :)  
> Congratulation to Canye NE for seeing it coming, they were the only one to mention it to me. 
> 
> Next chapter: The hand that breaks the fall.


End file.
